Friday, December 27, 2013

Dodging bullets and chasing sex

Do you ever look back in your life and thank the Lord Jesus that you never slept with all the guys that you could have slept with?

Honestly that little voice - or fear - or pastor - or whatever it was that stopped you - was secretly a vessel sent back in time - much like The Terminator - to save you from your possible regrets in a parallel universe.

Thank God for Terminators.

I mean, think about whoever you were dating, say, 3 years ago, and tell me you are not shivering at the thought that you could have given them the cookie.

Not everyone needs the cookie. In fact, many of those have had too much cookie. They need to lay off the damn calories.
Some of them don't eat the cookie right. They're messy - spilling crumbs all over the place, or not using napkins right. I mean, camaaan. Are you Mowgli?

Also...the cookie is a powerful weapon, something I am consistently discovering. You see, unlike all the women in movies who know exactly what they are dangling, I have no idea how to dangle. I tend to throw ish out there and hope someone gets the hint. Not so that I can give out the cookie - this is very important - but so that people THINK I am going to give out the cookie.

I learnt this in House of Lies (SO funny). When guys think there is hope to become a cookie monster, it's surprising how much they will do for you. Even with me, who half the time - sorry, most of the time - is clueless. People do your work for you, cover for you and ish, open doors and ish (that's what chivalry is, ladies. HAHA just kidding. I think. I wouldn't know. I'm clueless.)

So it's not intentional.
I swear. Haha.

Being a woman. Who knew?

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Confessions of a thief

I really like hotels.

What's there not to like? Someone picks up after you...makes your bed...feeds you at all times of the day...has a pool...also for being fed next to...locks you away from the rest of the world (sightseeing? WHY??) and much as we like to say absolute power corrupts, we want some of that power. We want to be able to say I want Swiss berries dripping with Belgian chocolate and a glass of pink champagne, and have someone go get it.

On sightseeing, my friends and I went on a trip once to a place where you could go on safari and look at elephants or whatever. We weren't allowed to go on the safari (we were on the Semi Sufferer package) but we didn't even want to. We just kind of sat around and vegged all day. The whole time. I got some serious overeating drama after that. (no, seriously. For crying.)

One of the best things about hotels is the bathrooms. It's too's too's just right. I WILL fit. And the huge fluffy towels.

And the bathrobes? Which I always want to steal. They wrap around you like a comforting (dead) polar bear. You just want to lie down and tell it all your criminal secrets. And never, ever leave.

What I usually steal is (NO, NOT THE 42" TV) the little soaps and shampoos they leave for me. Yes, FOR ME. What are they going to do with the one ounce left over? PSSSSH. You're SUPPOSED to take that stuff with you.

Everyone knows that.

I was in a hotel last month and they had the fluffiest of the fluffs necessary for drying our heat-soaked bodies (porno? No? Ok). I reeeeeally wanted to take a towel. They wouldn't have noticed - they are a new hotel. I almost felt obligated to take it so that they would begin to get acclimatized to Hotel Thievery (I prefer to call it Leisurely Lifting). Because everyone knows it's not stealing that makes you a's the degree of swell on your suitcase as you leave. Having to sit on your bag makes you black as sin...anything below that is moderately passable. Especially minute shampoo bottles.

I didn't take the towel.
I DID take a flannel.
Because...the room I took it from, they had not even put one in in the first place. So of course they were not going to notice it was gone. I was balancing out the equation.

This is the biggest job I've ever done. I gotta tell you, I feel a little guilty...until I step into the shower and the perfect, delicate combination of smooth-on-rough of that beautiful, beautiful facecloth envelops me in its glory.
Nope, still guilty.
But soft.

:D :D :D


Thursday, December 19, 2013


Office crushes are overrated.

Especially if they are based on what dress you are wearing.

That having been said, my dress today is short and Number 4 noticed.

HAHA, that being said, we can call him Alex.

(OMG She will be loved by Maroon 5 is playing in my ear. *sigh* My childhood)

Alex hasn't spoken to me in a while...until The Dress. I think that maybe, perhaps it's because I told him about Wolverine and the fact that whatever we're doing (suggestive whatsapping, etc) is going pretty much nowhere.

I mean, why would you wanna stop talking to me after that winning speech?

Anyhue, as we have gathered, men have no decency, especially none in the direction that indicates they should become LESS cute after you shut certain doors, but NO.

CLEARLY too much to ask.

He's really cute, guys.

ANYhue, the dress. I looked exactly the same last week, but some guy in the elevator stopped me to get my card. Um...hahaha, I hope this dude doesn't think I look like this everyday. I mean, I spend effort on things like blogging...not hemlines. Then he texted me like 2 second later (which is focused, creepy and kinda cute at the same damn time) and said, 'Wea at'

Np punctuation and like 16 words missing.
30 letters.

2 words from me:


*now playing Wild One. You know, when the old FLo Rida we knew and loved - I use that word loosely - died a painful, techno-soundtracked death*

Should I text him to lose my number?
Why did I give him my number?
I need to learn how to say no.
When men are asking
I realize that men are visual creatures, but come on.
Maybe I should tell Alex I don't wear underwear tomorrow.



Monday, December 2, 2013

Being an adult

I don't think I am going to pay my rent next month.

While it is easy to presume that not everyone can be stupid, it is careful to realize that underestimating people's stupidity often causes blood pressure.

Like my landlady.

So, I move into this house, tres excited about moving on up from a studio, and the first day I sat on the toilet seat (you know it all comes back to the bathroom with me) it breaks. As does the one in the other bathroom. And no, it wasn't fries. I promptly lodge a complaint. The landlady assures the caretaker who assures me that there will be a new seat in next week.

It's been 2 months.

Every time I talk to the caretaker, he says he has been talking to her/they came but were not enough/it's coming in next week. This may be naive of me, but I like the caretaker. So I don't think he's lying. And I have gone through some pretty douchebaggy caretakers in my tenant life (which, with any luck, won't last for too long, and then I WILL buy by own damn toilet seat), so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I have asked for her email address. She refuses to give it out. (Oh look! Douchebaggery!)

If she's not living up to her end of the bargain, why should I? Accept and move on my unsheltered-from-the-bowl ass.

I've been weighing the pros and cons of the situation. I am not the only neighbour she is shitting on (everywhere must be littered with loolike references). We could stage a protest (in the form of rent, or TPing...something). Then she could kick me out. Then I could sue her, and NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN! WIN ALL THE LAWSUITS!!

I feel like it's a plan.


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Office...guess. Guess.

Do y'all watch Happy Endings?

Not the porno.


The series with the ever present gay dude who's hilarious (and actually straight in real life) and Damon Wayans Jr., in all his hot glory.

That one.

So chick who is married to Damon Jr. has a Work Husband. And what are office polootics without a work crush?

So...this dude. Let's call him Pepe.

I think he's bipolar (in the joking bitch-you-crazy kinda way). He's very mercurial in his temperament - like one day he'll be all up in it, the next, he doesn't know you, etc. But he's cute. So I've been letting a lot of his shit pass.

It feels a lot like high school. The jiving, the being rude and sarcastic thing with people you may or may not want to make out with know...Wolverine.

And in my office, it's complicated to have just a crush. There always has to be a heifer involved to kill your vibe.

The particular heifer (let's pretend we are in high school and call her Queen Bee) has been staaaank-eyeing me since the minute I walked in.

I don't understand mamas (yeah, yeah, I know). I mean, this chile is pretty hot. She looks good - all the time - which means salon time and manis, none of which I am even remotely interested in. You can tell her outfits are carefully planned, down to the hairpins, and she walks like she knows it, and you know she knows that you can tell that she knows you know it. Know what I mean?

Anyhue. So QB doesn't talk to anyone except my Work Husband (who, doesn't know he's my Work Husband. So, he's my Work Stalkee. Same difference, really). Well, no, that's not true. She talks to everyone except me. And it's not because I am the new girl. It's because she knows I'm digging Pepe's lips (also a high school phrase which means you want to do something with someone's lips).

I think I'll laugh extra loud tomorrow just to piss her off. Then I'll know that she knows that I'm laughing because I know...and because she's a raging snob, she won't do anything about it.

I swear, jobo is like a soap.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Office Polootics 2

You can say all you want to say about Sheldon Cooper, but at least he is honest.

At least you would never think that Sheldon is being disingenuous, or doing something to please other people, or something he didn't want to do...everything about Sheldon is an open and mildly annoying book.

I would never date him, but we could definitely be his friend (if I did not kill him first).

You have to admire a guy who is honest with himself and others aaaall the time. I wish I could do that, especially with my parents, LOL, but this ain't America. Or a sitcom with Vanity Cards at the end. (How much do we love Chuck Lorre??)

Why, if Sheldon was in my office, he would be super unpopular.
I want to be super unpopular!

Let me tell you why.

So this chile in the office is getting married. Whoop de do for you.

So then the office is supposedly required to changia for her.

But...but why?

I don't like weddings. There was a time in the distant past that I did, but now, no. They are like babies - too loud, too expensive, and leave you with debt to your ears. Why do it in the first place? Especially if you can't afford it.

And if you still insist that you want one, si you have a cheap one?

If you can't have a cheap one, Google Maps has the directions to the AGs office, meyyn.

If you have to ask your office mates to help can't afford it.

Also, why are you asking your office mates? Are you an orphan? Do I look like your BFF?

Might I add here that I almost said no to being one of my actual BFFs best maid?
I really don't like weddings.
If someone is NOT your BFF...WHY would you ask them?
Might as well take one to the guy at the duka as well, no?
And the chile at the super...
Don't forget your bank cashier (who probably knows you way better than I is a deep relationship)...

So the office is supposed to take up a section of the budget.
This budget is pretty cheap for a wedding (YAY) but almost 90% is unpaid (boo).
The deadline for pay is halfway through the month.
This wedding is not happening. Unless the office peeps were the first resort.
If the office takes up flowers, from what I saw, that's the only thing that is going to be there.

So then a heifer (not the Bride-Bila-Wedding) is coming around with a sheet. I say I am not giving. She asks me why.

Are you KIDDING me right now?
Are you actually asking me for a reason WHY I am not giving you my money?
Are you my mother/sperm donor/father of my children/the Lord?

You guise...this office. I'ma pull a Sheldon.
Real soon.
Real quick.


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Office Polootics

Oh boy.

This is gonna get graphic.

A little.

Is there anything more reassuring in this world than being comfortable when you take a dump?

And is there anything more uncomfortable (forget childbirth. I see you, mothers) than not being uncomfortable?

The answer to that question is no.

And this is why I hate the loos in the office.

Let me start from the beginning. Tissue is allocated in the office, like it's a kindergarten. You have to go get as much as you want - yay - in front of everyone - boo!!

Already a problem.

Then the stalls in the chicks' bathroom. Dude. It's like they were made for people shaped like a square. Even if you're not taking a dump, there's no space to squat.

The guys' is worse. The window is right next to the urinal, so stalker bitches can be like...


THEEEEEN, on top of the we're-too-stingy-to-give-you-tissue-shit (haha no pun intended), and the no space, there is not enough room for more than two people to be at the sinks at the same time. It's like they were making bathrooms for an alien race of Martian who are 1 foot by 1 foot in size.

Then the taps are those press taps that chack way too much water, splash you and make you look like you went to the bathroom to pee on yourself. And the drier only works after you switch the switch on which you tend to only remember after your hands are wet.


So the other day I went to the bathroom. I like me and my thrones to have a real personal-like connection, you know? But me and this heifer are just getting NOwhere. So I go in (with a book) and begin The Process.

Don't get it twisted, The Process (mostly. *cough*) happens at home. But sometimes, you know, shit (:D) hits the fan.

So there I was.

Ana'a chile walks in and I'm like DAMNIT. She's Interrupting My Flow. So I pause.

But she's there for the same purpose! DAMNIT!

So she enters the other miniscule booth and Gets Comfortable.

At this point I would like to mention that instead of all of the shit (:D) bills Parliament is so busy passing, one should be passed to make Loo Music a compulsory feature. I mean, you realize with no music or distraction, you hear Everyone's Everything Going Down? You hear The Entire Process.



Dude. Compulsory. Music. Please.

I try and wait her out because that's just Uncomfortable now. Naaaatsin. So I decide to make a dash for it. AS DOES SHE!

That awkward moment when your businesses are done and you come out and face each other and y'all are FROM THE SAME OFFICE and HER FLY IS UNZIPPED and SHE'S JUST PICKED UP HER PHONE.




Never shaking that heifer's hand EVER...


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

FILM: Now you see me

Starring Jesse Eisenberg, Isla Fisher, Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco, Mark Ruffalo

It starts out boring, but you simply gotta see it through to the end. Fisher, Eisenberg, Harrelson and Franco are four magicians who are very good at what they do; magic. Since time immemorial, people have been fascinated with magic and the ones in this movie are no different.

The four are on a quest, but they do not know who put them up to it and they do not know what the end result is. Their magic involves robbing a lot of people (which they do, frequently and spectacularly) and then proceed to escape the cops.
Who’s the cop? Mark Ruffalo (of Avengers fame). He is being driven crazy trying to use logic for a case that is clearly illogical (unless you’re Morgan Freeman, who plays the ex-magician to fraud all magicians). The cast packs a punch (inclusive of Alfred the butler from The Dark Knight trilogy. Who remembers his real name anymore? Hehe) and it’s a good move – a tad confusing, but good.

Anyone else notice that Edward Norton and Mark Ruffalo have a lot in common? (when I say a lot I mean 2 movies) – they both act as the Hulk, and they have both acted in magicky magicky movies (remember The Illusionist?) I wonder if they were discussing that on the set?

It gets a 3 and a half out of 5 for me.

p.s. They won't let me put all of the labels in! But I have bested the system:

Woody Harrelson plays a has-been in this movie like in real life, Dave Franco is James Franco's lil' bro and you can tell and he's cute, Morgan Freeman not playing or voicing God, Alfred butler wa Batty

Friday, August 2, 2013

Take Me Down South

His name wasn't Dube, but that's what we're going to call him.

I met him at a club in Egypt - a rare occurrence in itself, because I was clubbing. In Egypt.

Egypt is the racistest place I have ever been to...and that's saying a lot, because in Ethiopia, the beggars call you a slave (coz you've been colonized and they weren't). Clubbing in Egypt is dangerous because Egyptian men think black women are prostitutes and treat them as such. So it becomes a delicate science of finding a club that won't turn into a fight with the guys you're with that has good enough music that you might actually be able to dance to.

We lucked out that night (hahahahaha see what I did there?).

They were playing African music, and there were a lot of Africans. Nigerian tunes, a lot of Nigerian, but a lot of East African too - like Kigeugeu and Goldigger. Interesting.

The guys we were with had their eyes on my friend, and not me, which saved me from excessive small talk. Plus, I had informed them about Wolverine, so. (not that that usually stops anyone, but it's nice to try)

Then a fat drunk friend of theirs shows up and begins to monopolize my attention like he's somehow worthy and/or paid my bride price. I'm not good at drunk people. I am especially not good at drunk people conversation. He was irritating me, largely (hahahahahahahaha) because he was acting like I owed him something. (shawty...say what's your price)

Dube tapped me on the shoulder. I turned, excited about being rescued.



'He's a bit drunk.'

'Ignore him!' roared The Fat One. So I ignored...him.

Dube and I sat down. He had an accent, and I am a sucker for accents.

'I don't know your name.'

'And I don't know yours.'

'If you can pronounce my name right on the first try, I'll buy you a drink.'

3 minutes later, I have my drink. I've watched too many episodes of Generations not to know how to pronounce a South African name. The Fat One tries to drag me away when Dube goes to get my drink. I indulge him politely until Dube comes back to steal me away again. The Fat One looks like he is getting very annoyed - especially since he has found out he speaks my language, and now feels even more - if possible - entitled.

Dube and I talk about nonsense things. He tells me about his children, I tell him about Wolverine - preempting is important to me so that I don't have to have The Conversation. I tend to shoot myself this way in the foot often. To be fair, I am not looking, and I don't want to waste anyone's time. And it's almost bubble-like - I don't ask about the kids' mother. He doesn't ask about the seriousness of my relationship.

We don't prick the bubble.

He keeps pushing up his glasses. I look through his wallet. He says he travels a lot and likes a good Tusker. The Fat One slumps sullenly in a corner. There's...something. It feels good. I think it's harmless. I think it's flighty, but for the moment...good.

We are leaving half an hour later and I can't see Dube. Not that I was looking, but...he was nice. And you never know. Right?

Fatty has blacked out. I still can't see Dube. We are walking out. It was fun.

My head turns to the right. I see Dube wrapped around another girl who probably doesn't have a Wolverine. He doesn't see me. My heart sinks just a little bit, irrationally. My heart is a bit of a whore for emotion; gets attached and possessive real quick, even if nothing is ever going to happen and I cant do anything about...anything.

I almost imagine him saying for the (third? Fourth? Fifth?) time that night...'I don't know your name...'


Thursday, July 11, 2013

The story behind depression

Hyperbole and a Half chick had it, and so do lots of people. This is one of my friends.

When did you realize you had depression? Did you think it was a legit thing before you had it?

I woke up in late April feeling like I wanted to just disappear, the previous night, I had been out partying but had to leave when I realized I had veered from the path I had set for myself, to never drink, to be honest with my feelings, being firm with my beliefs and here I was, drunk, clinging to a man who was obviously using me. I felt like shit. The next couple of week was terrible, couldn’t sleep, work stresses were upped by being made the head of my department. I was falling apart. As everyone marveled at my success, all I saw was shit, shit, shit, and it made me a miserable soul.

I spoke to my best friend, who recommended I speak to someone who knows me – someone who will not throw a pity party and I was referred to a therapist. My first time seeing her, she asked me to do a series of written tests and then we could talk. From the tests she was shocked by my stress levels, I was in a bad place and fuck it … I had gotten myself there by expecting too much from myself without actually LIVING … so far it’s been good. I have made peace with what I cannot change and what I can change, I’m working on it, I can sleep sometimes, sometimes I can’t and I just wake up and read through my favourites or just bug my friends with stupidity. Sometimes I just listen to music until I black out.

Did you tell people, like your other friends? How did they react?

I told my friends in phases, I first told my housemate and his girlfriend and they were very supportive and made sure I was not alone ever for a few weeks. They’d drag me to events even when I didn’t want to be there. They’d make sure I met new people, away from my circle of work-mates *which to some extent contributed to my lack of focus on my being*. The pressure to fit in my industry is crazy.

Other friends I told were shocked, we had candid conversations – which helped heaps, others told me to stop being crazy with white people diseases and go out more *sigh*.

Are there support groups? Who do you talk to?

I talk to my friends, I talk to my mum … although for her she just calls it STRESS … she prays a lot for me. She calls me at least once a day and sends me inspirational quotes. It’s good to know she is there for me, even when I break down in her presence, she assures me that all will be good.

Does God help? Is there a 'cure'?

I think prayer helps, there are days I wake up and I feel like I’m having a heart attack … my nervousness gives me palpitations and I ‘see’ death … I will pray hard for myself and will usually talk to my mum about it.

Is there a cure? I dunno … I think it’s something we outlive, once we are self assured that all is well, the world is not crumbling on us, your outlook on life starts to change, you enjoy it more … slowly

I’m known as a happy person. What have I learnt? Don’t be the happy depressed person. Show people your two sides, they will understand you. Don’t suffer in silence.


Monday, July 8, 2013


Aki they are already making a part 2 and I don't like part 1.

Yeah, I said it. I didn't like Man of Steel...I mean, I liked it, because it is a superhero movie, and I can't help but like those, but as superhero movies go...nah.

I liked Star Trek Into Darkness better. Yeah. It changed my life. Even The Internship was funny.

Man of Steel was the story of Jesus, basically, and much like the gospels, there wasn't a lot going on in the character development stages until he hit 33. Forget the Jesus aspect: Why was Superman going around telling Lois he could do things normal people can't do? Like it's hard to track him. Are you telling me the US GOVERNMENT can't find where Superman is from and an ALIEN SHIP LANDED IN HIS MOTHER'S BACKYARD? Ati we can't tell he is Superman coz he is in glasses (to be fair that's an old complaint, and it runs across most of my favourite superheroes. Like Batman. Seriously? See even in Green Lantern the chick was like, Jack? Or whatever his name was)?

All I saw from Superman was that he is Superman. Not why he does what he does (other than brainwashing. Well, he is supposedly Jesus). I didn't relate with his character AT ALL - he is a do-gooding alien. Great. Where is the passion? The deep parent issues (Batman)? The humour (Iron Man)? The humanity? - ati after destroying half a city, all of a sudden he cares about those four peeps about to be zapped by Zod...I felt like they just barely scraped the surface of who I understand to be Superman, probably because they had to insert a scene with him falling through space in the shape Jesus was when he died on the cross. I mean, I was more sympathetic towards his dad and General Zod and that BEAST CHICK who was fighting in the scene that looked like Thor.

I think I am biased against Superman because he is my least favourite superhero (aside from, maybe, Kickass.), and Christopher Nolan (who I can't stand) was involved in this debacle. Don't get me wrong. I loved the fight scenes, Amy Adams was much better (and prettier) than I thought she would be, the supporting cast were greeeeat, Henry Cavill has the lantern-jawed thing down pat, but... *shrugs*

I hope they bring Lex Luthor from Smallville in Man of Steel 2. It gets a 2 and a half.

Funny times! Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn reunite after Wedding Crashers to make a movie about two guys whose jobs have been deemed redundant by digital society. They are jobless and have to start doing jobs like shop assistants in their pervy brother-in-law's mattress shop until they have the bright idea to apply for an internship at Google.

You can pretty much predict the storyline. But, but, what saves it is that apart from being funnier than Identity Thief (lol) is that there are a lot of laugh-out-loud moments from beginning to end. Wilson and Vaughn are fun together. The supporting cast is fun. They tried to do too much - comedy, romance, teen movie, life-lesson-imparting flick - meaning there are a lot of just outright CHEESY TIRED cliches - but hey. They're cliches for a reason. Still funny. Gets a 3.

Let me just state here that Star Trek gets a 5. It LITERALLY changed my life (much like Avengers).

Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto, and Zoe Saldana, who is going to be this generation's Comic Con fantasy, CLEARLY, battle villainry out on the Starship Enterprise in frequent blazes of glory. Chris Pine is excellent in this (he so was not in Unstoppable), and he is funny, and lovable in spite of his flaws (you know. Like humans. Unless you' know. Superman). Zachary Quinto is a perfect Spock (is ZQ ever not a perfect whatever he chooses to be? He's the gay one, right?) Everyone else is second to them except for Benedict Cumberbatch (as for who is simply amahZING as a villain. So good. So excellent! And as if those cool points weren't already a zillion, dude voices Smaug!!

'He portrayed Smaug the dragon through voice and motion capture and also provided the motion capture for the Necromancer in Peter Jackson's The Hobbit trilogy (2012).' (Wikipedia)

Oh, you want, like, a summary? Stars, advanced universe, bad guy, good guy goes after bad guy, but is bad guy bad guy? Stars, space, COOLNESS!



p.s. I really want to watch Epic.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Interview: Into the mind of a 12 year old child

This blog post is hella long. Congratulations if you get to the end.

One of the most ignored children’s groups of our generation is the 11 – 13 year olds. Certainly, everyone pays attention to childbirth, and even more so to the years after; are they teething? Are they walking? Have they started school? And obviously, teenagehood is a big deal, especially at the beginning; the ‘talk’ is often had here, the preparations for high school begin, and boobs begin to show. But the ages of 11 to 13, or right before thirteen, is under the radar. Pre-pubescence is often seen as still young, still innocent, still na├»ve and idealistic about the world we live in. True? Nope.
This is what the average 12 year old thinks about friends, parents, school, and sex.
All children surveyed are between the ages of 11 to 13 from varied schools, walks of life and nationalities.

tSN: I want you guys to tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I say this word. Ok? Here it goes: Parents.
1: Sometimes annoying.
2: Overbearing.
3: Silent. And talkative.
A: Do you mean you’re silent, or your parents are silent and talkative?
3: Both.
4: One busy, one sometimes busy.

tSN: Are you friends with your parents? Can you talk to them, about school and stuff?
3: They go to work a lot, so I have no idea really. My dad asks how school is, and I just say fine.
1: Well, I am in boarding…it’s fun.
3: Boarding sounds cool. Gives you a sense of your future life, having your own responsibility for your own clothes and stuff, and secure in your own life. But my dad pretty much knows all my stuff; I am not really ashamed of it. If I told my dad some of the stuff that happens at school, it would get messy…I would get a bad rep.
4: My dad would go to school and cause mayhem. I can talk to him, but I would rather not.
2: I have dealt with peer pressure on my own and with my mother coming to school. I would rather my mother came to school. We went to the head teacher and talked about things. I was relieved. I felt free. I asked my head teacher not to reveal my name. For my own safety. And sanity. You can ask your parents and teachers to deal with uncomfortable situations and to protect you.

tSN: But you have never been to boarding school.
3: It’s how I imagine it.

tSN: You miss home when you are at home?
1: Sometimes you feel like you want to be home when you are at school, but when you are at school, you miss all your friends at home.

tSN: Are most of your friends from school?
1: Yes. Boarding school gives you more time with each other; this is my second year in boarding school.
2: No. I don’t really have friends in school.
3: My friends are acquaintances, except for this one guy who I say hi to every day, I guess.
4: Most of my friends are at church including my best friend. We’ve been best friends since I was 9.

tSN: And in your estate?
3: My apartment has a lot of people but we don’t connect with each other. If there was an alien in one house, no one would find out. No one would scream.

tSN: Are most of your friends girls or boys?
3: Acquaintances? Well, at school there are not really people I can consider friends; it is hard to make friends with them.

tSN: Why?
3: They are not good at compromising. Some of them say yes to each other all the time, too much, and some of them think they have a sense of authority because they are rich.
4: I am in the middle. Some are girls and some are girls. My best friend is a guy; he is the kind of guy you like to be around. He knows the Bible, he is a good friend to me in times of need, he defends me, corrects me when I am wrong, and lifts me up when I fall.
3: There’s no one like that at my school. Except for one guy, I guess he is kind of my friend. Not best friend. Just friend.
2: Only a few more girls than boys.
1: Divided. We are all friends.

tSN: Do people your age have boyfriends and girlfriends?
All: Yes.
3: They talk, and like, walk, and there is this girl that is the leader of the girls and then the boys ask the leader to connect them – to hook them up – with one of the girls. They walk and talk a lot. I don’t really know what happens, because I have never done it. I am the only one in the school who hasn’t. It’s odd.
4: Most people do. I just broke up with my girlfriend last week.

tSN: Why?
4: I caught my friend smooching with my girlfriend.
3: My school does not have smooching.
tSN: Are you still friends with the guy who was smooching your girl?
4: Well, yes. There were a couple of punches. He started it! But after the fight we forgave each other and said whoever wants the girl can take her.
2: I would not call it boyfriend and girlfriend. In my year, people are friends then they give themselves the title boyfriend and girlfriend. They walk around for two days, inseparable, then on Day 3, you can’t look each other in the eye…I would not call it a relationship, because after Day 2, you don’t even talk. They date for like 6 months without having a conversation.

tSN: So a relationship is constant communication to you?
2: Not constant. Just some communication, at least. And not pressured, like in my school where some people force people to date each other (because they have power over them) and control the relationship, like this week you are going to do this, and this week, you will do that, like take her to a movie, or buy her this. It is like being a puppet.
1: In my school, when you are going out with someone, you walk each other around, like to class.

tSN: What makes people break up?
2: Boredom. Or you don’t want your name to be linked to them. It gets intimate at some point. Just do not be bored.

tSN: Intimate?
2: They have sex. Or have a Twitter war.

tSN: You are on Twitter? And Facebook?
3: I am on Facebook, but I don’t really use it. I used my dad’s age.
4: I lied to get on Facebook.
3: The limit is 17. I think.

tSN: So people fight on Twitter.
2: Or any social networks. They say things before school, then get to school and avoid each other like the plague, then come home and the war continues. It’s like group shunning; the girls in this group turn or start laughing when a girl from the other group walks by. This started in year 5, when I was turning 10.

tSN: How do you talk to boys?
5: Rudely.

tSN: Rudely?
5: I can be anyone’s friend but if a boy comes up to me and he wants to be my boyfriend, I fight him.

tSN: A physical fight?
5: *nods* Most of my friends are boys. And I have a boyfriend. My parents know.
6: Most of my friends are boys. I don’t have a girlfriend.
7: I have a girlfriend. My mom knows.

tSN: What does that mean to you?
4: I cried when we broke up. We had connected. We had similarities, not shallow ones.
7: You know someone who is always cheering for you and being there for you.
4: And smooching.
7: Giving gifts. And hugging.
3: Isn’t that 18 year old level stuff? Shouldn’t you just be talking to each other? But I don’t have a girlfriend.
2: Gifts happen. A girl in my school got an IPod. But I feel like you are buying someone’s affection. I don’t think it should happen at our age. Gifts, or relationships. Have a friend who is guy, sure, but a boyfriend is a serious commitment.
4: People do stuff in my school, so…

tSN: Stuff?
4: Sex. Some guy carried condoms on a school trip and was found in a room with some girl.

tSN: And it is normal in your school?
3: *shakes head vehemently*
4: Nods.
3: But what do you count as…what do you mean by the word, according to what you do in your school?
4: There are homosexuals, lesbians and straight people.

tSN: And how do you differentiate them?
4: When the teacher leaves the class, someone is paid 5,000 to be the lookout. Then the homosexuals kiss the homosexuals, and…like that.
3: Parents give their kids a lot of money.
2: In my school there were only rumours of 2 girls, whose behaviour was suspicious. Maybe they were just good friends.

tSN: Do you think homosexuality is weird?
2: I don’t think it’s right. I don’t think it’s natural. But that is just my opinion.
3: They’re really going for it in America. But I think it’s wrong…ok, I don’t know.

tSN: What about drugs?
4: There’s a guy in my school who drinks and takes cocaine. He says he has had a hard life. His parents broke up. And he had sexual connections with girls which ended. He does drugs to forget.
2: My school, it is not abnormal…it happens. I mean marijuana, alcohol, cocaine. Majority, I have heard, do weed, shisha, wine…stuff like that. They bring it to school, because his parents do it and they do not have a problem with it. He smokes at lunchtime in the classroom.
3: I don’t think kids at my school are influenced by what their parents do.
7: A guy in my school says he takes Tusker. He wants to look cool. He doesn’t look cool.
2: I think people do it because of peer pressure. They want to fit in with the older kids and be cooler than their classmates and rave. There’s a girl in my class who gives out fake IDs, from her brother.

tSN: You guys all have phones?
3: I could live without it.
4: I am only allowed to use it on the weekends.

tSN: How do you talk to your friends, or meet them?
3: I don’t have any. I like to be at home and play adventure stuff, with guns, like on IPads and Xbox.
2: I hang out with my siblings, or my mom arranges meets with my real friends (outside school). I like lazing around the house better.
5: I use my mom’s phone to call them to come over.

tSN: How do you feel about politics?
4: There are rules at my school. Luos and Luhyas can date each other. Luos and Kikuyus can’t. Kikuyus and Kalenjins, yes. Usually, one group talks about Raila and the other about TNA at my school. They have slogans and everything. And arguments.

tSN: Because of their parents, or?
4: They follow news. Like when Raila’s company went down and he lost the votes, they insulted them. They ask what else they are going to steal.
3: We have all kinds of people.
2: People are from everywhere at my school, so no one is really political. But during elections this time and last time, a few Kenyans – not all – started doing weird stuff, like saying their candidate must win in the middle of class when a teacher is talking. Some teachers even started having debates about who should win in the middle of an English class.
5: We were warned not to talk about politics or you will be expelled. No one got expelled.

tSN: What else do you guys do?
4: I wrote a 400 page book on How to deal with an annoying little brother. And I am releasing a rap song.
3: Don’t hold back, man!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Sheep of Art Caffe: Rated PG-17, or, the Art of Sheepery aka General Sheepishness and Artsy Fartsy Tomfoolery

*jumps onto wagon*

*leaps into foray*

*springs into melee*

*bes a sheep*

And all other similar...similes? Metaphors? Descriptive phrases? Homophrases? Sigh. I did KCPE AND KCSE. 8-4-4 don't mean a damn thing.

It's everywhere, is Art Caffe today, poor buggers, so I'm following the herd and blogging about it. Some stupid sod decided that the perfect time to be racist was yesterday morning, which has snowballed into a typical #KOT hate campaign. Their (misspelt, grammatically incorrect, illiterate-sounding empty-looking with a fake picture) Facebook page spelt Art Cafe (really??? Really, dawg?) (yeah, I said dawg) is chock-full of enthusiastically hateful comments.

Thing is, I don't believe the story went down like that. Sure, they're racist. But racist AND just plain stupid?...I dunno. How would it benefit them to NOT sell ALL the croissants? Si white folk only drink coffee and use the wireless ahahaha? Why is Robert Alai SOOOO into that story? *side-eye* What is up with black people being racist to black people? This ain't pre-Emancipation Proclamation times, yo. Ain't no field and house niggas here. Then again, people do pretty stupid things, right? Stupidity should never be underestimated...

I have never, ever had a bad experience at Art Caffe. It's so good I always tip (and y'all know I'm a cheap ass). They are always without exception (for the four I have visited - Galleria, Village Market, Junction and Westgate) fantastic to me and go out of their way to please me (beginning to sound like a porno...skips to the next paragraph)

Thing is, not everyone feels like this (doh). So, I'm tryna call the manager to find out what really went down. What's REALLY good. Will keep y'all posted on that.

In the meantime, go to Java. I'm, honestly, probably going to keep going to both establishments, regardless of the fact that Java is slowly forgetting how to fumigate its cake stands and that Art Caffe is...well, Art Caffe. Until they's racist to me...kinda. I think. I dunno. I'm weak for their mashed taters. Fact is, there are not a lot of places that I like enough to bother to ignore flaws for.

Kenyans, try to find out the entire smells off to me. Or stop going. I mean, if it bothers you. Like Twitter and the unfollow button. Just unfollow. Or open up a restaurant. Or go ratchet on the next waiter who decides it's their time to shine - and record that shit. Because either way, those Israelis don't give a fuck. LUUULZ.


Monday, June 17, 2013


I liked the Great Gatsby. It's a love story (Gatsby trying to get a dame back with ridiculous goofs and consequences), what's not to like? It was a fun, fantastical kind of flamboyant cinematography that I enjoyed, reminiscent of Oz the Great and Powerful on a muuuuch bigger scale.

Surprisingly, I'm sorry Jay-Z. I wasn't digging the soundtrack. I thought it was jarringly inappropriate; maybe not all of it (like not the rendition of Crazy in Love, because of course B had to be involved) but the whole...I think they should have done it in a Django way, you know? With a lot of Western, then Rick Ross out of the blue when the guns came out.

It's a long-ass movie, so be prepared for that. Also...I watched it at Sarit, and the screen went blank for 20

It gets a 3 and a half out of 5.


Friday, June 14, 2013


The beginning pretty much summarizes everything I feel about Steers. Their only positive note is that they have pickles in their burgers.

Their service sucks. Their burgers are tiny. The two times I have eaten there in the past month, the fries were raw. They don't have salt; they won't give me water instead of soda (thanks for the high blood pressure, I'll have a side of cholesterol to go with it), the seats are old and battered, the pictures of brightly smiling white people are oh-so-nineties, and what I feel is the worst: the false advertising: THE BURGERS LOOK NOTHING LIKE THE PICTURES.

Never again, punkasses. Never again.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


What everyone wishes for has just happened to me, good people. I GOT PAID MID MONTH! And oooooh, the jooooooy that fills my soul! It was looking grim for a quick minute there, good people, but now Ndiransh can come for his 40 bob, ad we can all be happy, see? (say in Al Capone voice)

Yes, the people who owe me money still owe me money, BUT I GOT PAID! You know that excitement for getting paid when you can darken Java's doors again? And you start turning Art Caffe's menu over in your head? (Because as much as you would like to get other philanthropic souls to pay your bill, you're an independent woman, and independent women don't like to sell their souls for a strawberry daquiri. Although, come to think of it, it's not too bad a trade.)

Although this is going to bode ill for my spending this month, simply because we are so close to end month again. Yes mummy, I'll try not to spend it all in one day. (damnit I have to pay for their internet. THE MORE MONEY WE COME ACROSS THE MORE PROBLEMS WE SEE. Lol. Not that parents are problems...just that...never mind)

I have not done my Iron Man 3 blogpost, but I will soon (stop side-eyeing me, Ndiransh) as soon as I have watched Fright Night, which I downloaded on your recommendation, Njihia. Who loves torrents? I DO. Not that this is an admission. Just a statement that I love them. Not that I use them. Who, me? (yes you couldn't be then who) They're just nice to look at. (I am seeing that old school FBI warning on copyright playing in my head. Y'all remember that? Back when we used to watch movies on a VCR?)

Isn't it dandy that IMAX has insisted on continuing their tomfoolery and increased their movie prices to a k? (as I find out the day I am paid, too) Yup. 1000 bob. Not sure if it is just for Star Trek: into Darkness and Man of Steel, but they seem the type to persist in idiocy. These folks think I can't go back to 3 sock movie at Sarit. Oh, I can and I will. Where do you think I watched Oblivion and The Croods?

*drops mic*


P.s. ahahahahaha. @photosynth15 on Twitter has just commented to me how we should get Boniface Mwangi to do a protest with folks...halafu we all carry tapes (video cassettes, to you young ones) and wave them valiantly in the air. LOL. Maybe rip out the tape as a symbol of defiance? Pretend it's blood? Too soon? Pahahahahahahahahaahahhahahaha

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


My friend owes me money, and it's breaking my heart.

Several of my friends have been doing that lately; the breaking heart thing. Your momma told you about boys, but did she tell you about friends?

I know, I know. I shouldn't have lent her money in the first place. But...she was my friend (i.e. I was not going to make her sign a contract. I should start that). And I figured I could always start selling her sh* if she defaulted, one microwave at a time.

It's been 2 years.

I don't even know if we are still friends anymore. I mean, sure, we tweet, but that is the extent of our relationship. I thought we were tight, you know? But friends don't do friends like that, do they? It feels like a freakin breakup, except I want to bash her face in. Oh, wait. It feels exactly like a breakup. Lol.

They say money ruins friendships, but it's not even about the money (ha! YES IT IS! B* WHERE'S MY MONEYYYY???). It's a lot to do with betrayal. I even wrote poetry, yo. Bad poetry, but better than the drivel I've been churning out lately. I almost wished she had kissed Wolverine instead. (HAHAHAHAHA NO I DON'T. These things I keep saying. Forgive me, I am driven mad by grief.)

1. Find a guy who knows a guy to relocate her kneecaps
2. Keep calling her and hope she stops avoiding me
3. Fuhgeddaboutit.
4. ...

What do you guys do when people owe you money and you can't get it back? Kwanza my landlord from 2 years ago has shikiliad with half of my deposit because I gave him a week's notice (because his house was crap and I needed to move asap). Who. DOES that?

Don't say Kenyans. Me I don't.

(when you...are far...away...and blue...what do I do)


Friday, April 26, 2013


So, because jobs are fun, I got to go check out MTV ALL STARS AFRICA...ninio. Y'all know what I'm talking about, don't be fronting. It was pretty cool, though. Crowded as all hell, started late...but cool. They are trying to promote the district of Kwa Zulu Natal in SA as a tourist party spot, so they had a bunch of SA artists as well, halafu wanaenda Lagos, halafu SA.

Picture time!

I did not get a pic of Emukule...who was the MC...who remains foxy as ever... *gets carried away* but I did get a few performances...

I love this girl! She's And she has had a baby. And she can SPIT. RHYMES. Like legit, not in the I'm-a-girl-and-I-can-rap-teehee Rah Digga way. Ako na malines. And she was wearing Tims and fishnet stockings. I was starstruck vibaya.

The last time I bothered to watch Camp Mulla perform were TPF4 sijui and they really, really, sucked. But with this particular performance, I think they managed to redeem themselves. And they ended with Party Don't Stop, which I still think is my favourite hit...all was well that ended well. :D Still think Karun has no stage presence whatsoever, but she sings like an angel, so it's fine.

P-Unit! To me, a million times better than any other units around. I love these boys. I do. Also, they have a techno jam (sijui house sijui -I am not good at those ninios) that they are going to make me like simply because it is them...I mean, listen to these boys. What's not to like? What's not to love? FRAAASHAAA!!


p.s. Let me know if the videos play...
p.p.s. Really digging my phone right now.
p.p.p.s. Kanda also performed (is that his name? The guy in the Coke ad?) and he had a white chick for a dance who was, get this, outshining the black one. He! And STL has a new hypeman. Who I don't like. But she can be as bad as she wants to be, right?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Film: Oz, Hansel and Gretel and The Lost Boys

Movie folk are out of things to make movies about. So they are going to oh,look! A fairy tale that has not been made yet/it's been made, but we'll do it better/flip the script! I liked Oz, because I like fairy tales, and I read Wicked (which I did not like, but I read because a flip is always fun). I liked James Franco; he played the part of a conman well, right down to his facial expressions, lack of scruples and weird, sleazy smile. It was pretty. Like Mila Kunis! Yaas! And who cannot like a movie with Zach Braff in it? The twists and lessons were fun too. But those baboons, yo. It gets a 3.

I should have written this immediately after I watched it, and I didn't. There is a key plot element I am missing here, but since this is not that spoiler kinda blog, we can live without it. This movie had Jeremy Renner, so of course I was going to watch it. I was a tad hesitant about the chick, but they made her look sufficiently badass. I think they made this movie just to make it though, like, oh, we want a boy, and a girl, and really gross looking witches, whoop! Legooo! And also proving my point of no movies left to make. (But those witches, yo.) This is a 2 and a half. Also...don't walk into houses made of candy. (whether this is a euphemism or not, I will leave you to decide)

And now, for our old movie of the week:

The Lost Boys.
'Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die.
It's fun to be a vampire.'

With a tagline that is way too long. Kiefer Sutherland ametoka mba? Ametoka mbali. This flick comprises of a bunch of boys who were the child stars of their time, like Kiefer, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman (who was implicated in the Michael Jackson dramas and so I automatically do not like) and Jason Patric (who ran away with one of his co-stars fiancees the day before the wedding. Or something). There is also a fun surprise appearance by Edward Shermann, the grandad in Gilmore Girls. Yup, his past was vampire movies (aki Jack Bauer...) I found the story weak and contrived, it took too long to get started, and don't get ME started on the special effects. To be fair, it is an old movie...and supposedly a classic...I don't see it. I was not sure if it was supposed to be a classic, or a classic comedy. The one saving grace is the kid who acts as Jason Patric's small bro; he was pretty funny, and pretty good. It gets a 2 from me.

That's all, folks!


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Sweet, The Sour and Shower Hour: Listerine and I

No pictures today folks; just fade in on a girl who recently discovered that truth is not something anyone wants to know. But everyone knew that, right? How often is it that the thing you want and the thing you get are the same thing; and even more often, how often is it that you still want it after?

Listerine and I started an unassuming relationship. He knew my past, and I knew none of his; how his friend, The Dentist, had ended our torrid and abusive love affair; promises of lollipops and shiny whites would not, could not keep me anymore. With that, I said goodbye to the side dishes as well (Sir Soda and Papa Popcorn) - no one likes a guy who is way too sweet (sickly! Too good to be true. Don't get me started on cotton candy) or one who just can't let go.

I should have found out more. I should have asked him more, talked to my friends - Mirroron D. Wall and Misinque (she has dreams of being a doowop singer - ask me no questions I tell her no lies), but before I knew it he had me vulnerable. Naked. Open. And he had me.

I hated the first taste. I couldn't take it. What was this? What was I getting into? I read his eyes again; no plaque, he said with a smile. No more bad breath. No more? I cried. Did I have it before? Smiling still he said nothing, pouring the poison down my throat. 30 seconds of gargling? Who does that? What masochist follows through without regret and washing out with water immediately after? Thus defeating the purpose, he reassured me. No pain no gain, he purred. Trust me.

And so here I am. Scared of being a weakling, I took the yellow way out and keep coming back for more. I can't help it. Fake it till you make it, you know. Maybe one day, I'll even do forty seconds, who knows. Thing is, I faced the truth, the truth I didn't really want to know but had to find out someday; I'm a coward, and that frightens me more than any old Listerine could. I have to prove myself wrong, right? I can't be all coward...right?

If you can't tell, I'm in the middle of Smash Season 2 after a week long marathon. There was a song after every paragraph.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Film: Gangster Squad, Jack Reacher and Can't Buy Me Love


I think Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone could be the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks of our generation, and it is something that I am, really, excited about, goush. (Although I have heard rumours that she is with Andrew Garfield, who I love too,'s a girl to choose?) Once again (after Crazy Stupid Love, which was oodles funnier than I thought it would be) they team up in this raw old school cop movie, which stars Josh Brolin (I was really waiting to see what he was going to do after Men In Black 3) and Sean Penn (flawless) and a really cute black guy who I have never seen called Andrew Markie (ask me no questions, I tell you no lies). Gangs, shootings, brilliance. A strong 3 and a half. (tip: don't watch it after watching Django - any QT movie, really - or right before you sleep, if you're sleeping alone. It's a smidge gory, a smidge scary.)

I loved it! It watched like an old detective novel, straightforward, no frills, no machines, no fancy schmancy Mission Impossible-y (see what I did there?) effects. (Maybe you do not know what I did here because you do not know Tom Cruise is in it. if you did not look at the poster). Ex Army in classic whodunit story. Gets a 3, but only because the heroine was so useless, and if we don't make a heroine, who will? (DETTOL WILL. DETTOL CAN DO ANYTHING.)

And now to end with a classic not-cop movie: Can't Buy Me Love. Ah, folks, they don't make things like they used to. Not movies, not music, not Mint chocs, not free and fair elections - and not Patrick Dempsey (ie hot movie stars who were child actors and didn't have to go to rehab. Botox, we can take.), who stars in this when her was a young tot (20ish). This is a 1987 teen cult classic, a la Clueless (LOVE) and She's All That (like, but oh my, Freddie Prinze Jr.!) set up when a geek buys a girlfriend in a quest for popularity, and discovers that popularity...come on. Finish the sentence. We all did 8-4-4. We are all chock full of cliches. No? Not all? Ok, fine. ' not all it's cut out to be.' I enjoyed it, but let me tell you, when McDreamy Jr. came on and I was looking at the billing as I watched, and it said Patrick Dempsey, I was like, I know that name, I know it, I know it...and I had to click on the link to his name to remember. Ei, watu wametoka mbali. Also, whatever happened to Amanda Peterson? It gets a 5. Come on. It's a classic.

Buy me can't buy me love...


P.S. R.I.P., Lou Meyers. You made up a great many fond memories of my childhood.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The mysteries of life

22 days since my last blog post?


What's happening?

Friday, February 1, 2013

January's main disappointments

...were 4. we can begin with my wallet, which was unreliable at best, but at least there were highs and lows that were spread out as opposed to one looooong looooow. Is it payday yet?

Number 2 was I finally finished season 8 of Weeds. I'd been putting it off for quite a bit. I am NOT ready to say goodbye to Nancy and Andy and Shane and *rawrrr* Silas. Who would be? And how else will you know I watch it avidly unless I say all their names?

I felt unfinished when I finished. I didn't want it to end like that, aside from not wanting it to end, period. So in the end...

I feel like I am the one who got smoked.

Number 3...finishing Mad Men season 5. So clearly I have abandonment issues. If I did not like how Weeds ended, I liked even less how Mad Men ended. So bloody unmemorable. At least there is a hope of a season 6. Ah, Christina Hendricks. *I must stop here*

And finally...

I am never watching a Quentin Tarantino movie again. I don't think I can hack. He is too much for me, nor will he seduce me with putting Brad Pitt in it or Jamie Foxx. I won't do it, I tell you! So I watched Django Unchained and was simultaneously traumatized and wowed. I loved the cinematography. I hated the dogs and the slavery and the chains...I don't know how those folks hacked and did not kill/butcher/maim/paralyze/decapitate/do something out of a Stephen King, preferably Misery to every white man within a thousand mile radius. How did they let them live? I do not have that much Christian in me. As in as in as in? And what traumatizes me even further is the thought that what QT showed in that movie is probs the bare minimum of what they actually had to go through (like Passion of the Christ, *shiver*)

I generally liked the idea of the movie, just not how QT did it. I enjoyed the script immensely - Leo DC has never lost it, Jamie Foxx - so surprising not to see him ever smile - the soundtrack was amusing, to say in the least, Samuel L and CHRISTOPH WALTZ especially were supreme...yeah. I would give it a solid 3. If you are a dude, you'll probs give it a 4. Much like the entire (useless) Fast and Furious franchise (ok, just 2...3...4...5...and they are making 6, aren't they?), I am way too female for this movie.

I couldn't resist.


p.s. Ah, and then there was food poisoning at the end of January which started when I walked into the office bathrooms and there was no tissue in all three stalls. *sigh* See, it is for situations like these that I ALWAYS carry my phone to the loo. ALWAYS.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Regrets and Jamaica

I spent rent money on a phone that doesn't work as well as it should, and now I feel bad. It's like, if you pay for something, it should work (TIK). Like when I go to Art Caffe. Why are there flies on food that costs so much?

Long have I kept faithful to my beloved Nokia...but we all know what happens when shit gets abusive (I now own THREE modems. They think I'll stay? They think I'll stay? AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR DAT.). My Nokias are getting a tad abusive. The C2 was nice for a while, though I did not expect much from it...actually, it's the one saving me now, nisiidharau. The one for now, the E5?

-Flashlight no work
-Adobe no read
-One side earphone no work
-Hang long time
-No do de Twitter multiple accounts
-Switch off when it feel
-Nokia Store be a lie

Nokia, Y U NO be faithful? Why you de force me to go android?



p.s. Go follow @YouThePower on Twitter and National Youth Summit - Kenya on Facebook. Now. Thaaaaanks.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The most dangerous meal ever.

I was at my mom's, happily acting like a bachelorette (or rather, not really acting. Because I am...) and having my fill of chapos. I piled on some chicken and sukuma and stuck that sweet looking baby in the microwave (except for the chapo. I don't do chapos and microwaves. Takes away the flavour. Becomes watery on the edges. Completely unsatisfying. Chapo on a pan is crisp and loyal to the true taste of every chapo ever consumed.

I take food seriously.)

I joyously take the (half) meal out of the microwave and put the chapo on the plate. I am know. Joyously.

I drop the plate.

I stare at the shattered glass and shattered crisp chapo dreams before me. Then I decide Germs can' that thing is, I can't think straight because I am busily thinking 'Save the chapo! Save the world!' I put everything back onto the plate.

There are shards of plate in my chapo and chicken. I nearly swallow a few. I clearly have a death wish that day, because I literally notice these agents of the Anti-Chapo Enjoyment Agency (sent by the Microwave Association, of course) milliseconds before I eat them.

I get to the end of the meal in a cold sweat. Why didn't I stop? (Je ne sais pas) Couldn't I have gotten another chapo? (Mais oui) Maybe I wanted a blogpost entitled the most dangerous. Meal. EVER.

My friend met Mr. T at the movies. She told me about it. My heart frantically grabbed an oxygen mask to regulate my breathing into its proper rhythm. Like a dula, I asked, 'Did he ask about me?' Of course he didn't. They never do. And of course, he didn't have the decency to get less attractive. A song started playing in my head (because I live in a movie) 'fire in her eyes/fire in her eyes/something something she's got fire in her eyes/' only replacing the her with his... '/I love her scandal/'...

That boy is dangerous, but I need to not see him. Sijui I hama. Not the most dangerous meal ever...but he was a tasty one.

Fire in his eyes...


p.s. So, microwave, or not?

Friday, January 11, 2013


Certain things make me weak at the knees. Chocolate men wearing loafers who are bald and have accents...or just chocolate men. Chocolate delicacies, like a Snickers bar. A good book at a great deal (just bought the ENTIRE Chronicle of Narnia series for a sock. Mind = blown, and, well, knickers...). Good food. A fantastic beach. A backrub. The little things.

The little things can also be the vices. I like to eat, and I do it a lot, and I do it well. I may not do it too healthily though. I like money (like everyone). And so the other day I found myself standing by those Kenya Charity Sweepstakes stands and looking at one ticket longingly. One of my boys was with me and he decided he can be the money and I can be the good luck charm. We lost a sock, but won 6 sock. I am not sure this is going to end well.


p.s. Happy New Year.