Saturday, September 29, 2012

Film: Nairobi Half Life

...which stops showing on October 4th, by the way, so you need to go see it (at Nakumatt Junction and at Nakumatt Westgate) (also, I just saw Haywire, but that will be reviewed...later)

The pick of actors was excellent. (only one who did not resonate with me, aside from the supporting characters who were all people I see around Nai...made me feel like I was going to see myself on screen lol) There was another prostitute there (not the one from Phoenix, although I have always thought she is also quite fantastic...the other one...) who is just hilarious. :D My favourite man of the moment, though, was Olwenya (s.p.?) Maina. He's the main bad guy. You guy. SO. Very. Well brought up. Such a thug. When I grow up...actually never mind lol.

I loved loved loved that they used Just A Band music for the movie. Because I LOVE Just A Band. HA and they used Ha-He, the Makmende song. #Ugangstaji I love those boys. I do.

The authenticity was great. The streets looked like the streets, the white boy bars looked like the white boy bars. The muggings looked for realsies. And the surprise was amusing.

The cinematography was nicey done.

The credits looked like Amero, you guy!

I thought the plot development was just a smidgen...just a tad...weak. They got away with it because everything else distracts you...but I felt some chains of events (?) were not believable, especially concerning the main character's character development and eventual was a no for me.

The ending...anyway, you see for yourself.

For a Kenyan movie...for any is a really strong movie. I felt Kenyan, you know? Like they hadn't lied with that story. Mtaa kweli kweli nininini. :D Repping the 254! A strong 4.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Things I am done with:

1. Cleaning. I have accepted. I am SOOOOO not about that life. Some heifers are. I am not one of them. So basically, for y'all wanting to wife me (hehe) there are very few wife-like qualities to be found her (I should call this part of my rant the broken record). Ther will be, no cooking, no cleaning, no porn star moves, and no washing of underwear. (There are a few here I could be convinced to do, but it's better to start with lower expectations. Worked for KCSE...pahaaaa)

2.Bad tasting alcohol. Yes, I know the point of alcohol is not the taste, but for me, it is. The means does indeed justify the end. I don't like pain (blunt over beer, can I get a whoop whoop? Except that first ever's a mofo), and the things my palate has had to experience in pursuit of oblivion are just unfair (the Taste Buds Union has sent me several letters, and they WILL strike. I AM Kenyan). And so...NO MORE. (IRN, Black Ice and Yatta Red Grape Juice taste like Appletizer...or something so delightful. Like that drink in The BFG. #WIN)

3. Hooking my friends up. Like everyone in a relationship, I have a tendency to think I know better than all my single friends (I do) about their love lives, what is needed to make a relationship work(...because I do), who they would just make such a cute couple with...etc. But, you know what, my quiverful of luuuuurrrrvvv arrows just stabbed me a nice one in the arse. I am done with unsolicited hookups of (most) all kinds, and will not attempt (not even a teensy-weensy bit...not even after recovering from my wounds) to throw anyone in anyone's way, literally, figuratively or otherwise. Why? *sigh* I may be bad at it (then again, when things go sour, one always blames the benevolent creature of light who was trying to help you out in the first place) You want a relationship/shag/flirtmate/one-night stand, go find it yourself.



p.s. Watched Nairobi Half Life today! YES!!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Film: Resident Evil : Retribution

So I watched Resident Evil: Retribution jana against my better judgment, because I was trying to think outside the box and give Milla Jovovich a chance to impress me (which she did), and give scary things a chance to freak me the f* out, etc. Plus, the trailer was freakin' awesome. SO a few disclaimers before I begin:

1. I have never watched a Resident Evil movie. In fact, I could not even play the video game because the zombies freaked me out too much. I'm the chick who was in the cinemas watching I Am Legend with one eye peeping out from between my terrified fingers.

Oh wait. I think that is the only disclaimer.

The beginning was great! Really awesome graphics and an even awesomer soundtrack (dude, the whole movie. They were really on point with that soundtrack. Local productions could learn a thing or two about when the music is supposed to be scary and when it's supposed to...not be). And thank goodness they had an explanation thingy for those of us who they knew were there for the first time (because that trailer was awesome...)

Let's be frank, RE is not really about the lyrical prowess of the script or the amazing acting talent (because the script was weak and some of the acting was pretty atrocious). It's about badassery and basic butt-kicking. Which there was a lot of. Milla is on fire, yo. Some of those stunts are pretty cool (but way too few, IMHO). It's like a chick flick (because of Milla, and all the greatest fights have girls in 'em, - and I want to start tae kwon do - and they threw in Boris Kodjoe for useless eye candy, because he had all of three lines and did...well,f* all to contribute to...f* in the blizzard his shirt has room for cleavage, but no one else does. It's for, really? And they tried to do ati some useless paternal connection for ati he likes children, but it was oh so weak) and a guy flick (there were girls with useless unnecessary - necessary to the guys, I guess - cleavage, and slits, and of course Milla's leather nininini, and bombs, and COOL explosions, and grotesque monsters - one of whom really reminded me of Lizard (Reptile?) in Spidey, or a grolm in WOT).

*so there's this time they are running away from a monster and then the trained assassins with huge guns only think to start shooting at the animal mutant when Milla tells them to. REALLY? Trained bad guys? With guns larger than their arms? REALLY???...also, the Phantom and Porsche were a nice - and obvious - touch.

So yay to the soundtrack and the butt-kicking, and effects, nay for the weak script and acting (enyewe I've stressed on that script. Utajuaje mi ni scriptwriter.), basically. And there were some ka-loose plot points, but...whatever. Also, I never trusted that toi...but it's not my movie (but I mean, who trusts tois? And WHY?? I may be biased here...). I give it a weak 2 and a half. Just know what you're going to watch it for...(i.e...not the script. In case you hadn't gathered.)


p.s. Total Recall is next, seeing as I have seen NO reviews on this movie, as in. ARGH, still haven't caught Nairobi Half Life...

Thursday, September 6, 2012


There are gonna be HELLA pics in this post. So grab your hearty companion fortitude. You know the drill.

Who knows where Maralal is? No? Me neither, until I (Wikid it, then) went for the annual Camel Derby with the Tembea Kenya team (also, Wikipedia says it’s in North Eastern. Apparently it’s in Rift Valley. Um…). Yo. I thought my shags was far...Maralal is ridiculous. I’ve never been further in Kenya. It took us a day and a half of solid travel to get there. In my head, Isiolo is the furthest I know from anywhere. MARALAL IS 200 KM FROM ISIOLO. W. T. F.??

So we get to Nanyuki where we at at Kikwetu something something which has great food (because these things must be mentioned) and a very friendly hostess. And I saw my bank! And a Nakumatt...and a 50 bob movie place. It's like Nai! But, you know. Not. (They EVEN have something that looks like it was supposed to be the Nation twin towers! Cheap invented thrills!!)Then we get to Isiolo and guys are like, erm...The first night we slept at Isiolo Transit Hotel, because we could not keep going – bandits, et al, some of whom had shot an AP the other day. Now bloggers?? – which was not shabby at all. I am pleased to report that there are no larger than life bugs at Isiolo Transit Hotel. I don’t know about the rest of Isiolo…PICTURES!

The door of my room, followed by my curtain. Thrilling stuff!

Then the shower, (very important), mosquito net, bed, more shower...gotsta give my readers a real feel of the place, you know? :D

The welcome to our humble hotel thing beside the bed, and Bibles. You would think they had Qurans, right? Wrong...

Where we had dinner, and a view from the dinner table to our rooms.

The next day we left at 7:30 a.m. for the final (long ass) stretch. The scenery was pretty.

Then we got to our hotel...Sunbird. This is the Reception (if you couldn't tell) and...the stones...and...the seating spot outside...and pretty maize (I need a new word. 'Pretty' is becoming my 'nice'.)

And, because I like such random, it's a horror movie/pretty cloudy skies pictures...the mood :D :D

When we got to Maralal (specifically, Yare Camel Camp) it was raining. Raining! I was wearing SANDALS, for Pete’s sake. I came prepared for desert climate and sleeveless, scandalous outfits. *sigh* You guy we waded in the water, like in the song. There were flooded roads about a foot and a half deep. The bus couldn’t pita. Adventure adventure! So note number 1: When you are coming to Maralal, make sure you have one of those cars that can handle such things (then again, isn’t that the general rule? Everywhere? Yes.) Second, carry gumboots, or if you can fit a kabodaboda motorbike in your luggage, it's go a long, long way. Apparently, it has never rained like that at this time of year. Mhm. I bet they say that to all the tourists lol. This is the road which transforms (Autobots, transform! Or. You know. Roads. Overflow.) into the Zambezi when it rains. Do not be deceived by the calm looking man. The rain was at like his knees a second ago.

(These pictures look upside down in the preview and I do not know how to fix them. WHat do you take me for, a techie??!!) Then we ate!

So after, you know, sijui crossing the Nile(s),we settled into our hotel rooms before the activities that were to follow the nextday. At (what felt like and indeed, was) the crack of dawn...

And of course, because Safaricom are EVERYWHERE...(I couldn't tweet the WHOLE time. It was AGONY. Because my network has no tower in Maralal. *rolls eyes*) go to the police station to wait for the bus, where these pictures were taken. The one behind the fence, sing 'Locked Up!' by Akon to it. Because it's funny. There was a cute little birdie at the front of the station, know...clearly I don't have sijui a 300mm lens...and clearly I like that katree...

The banner!! Peace, love and unity.

The camel version of the Thinker...and shaking what their mama gave 'em.

(picture courtesy of Magical Kenya)

*throws in random sunrise*

So before the actual camel races, we were savouring the culture like sos. This dude is doing blacksmithing the old school way, yo.

So we got up to go watch a Samburu and Turkana traditional wedding. The ign'nant folks like myself thought that was going to be close to the same thing, but I was wrong. In fact, the Samburu and the Turkana have been at war with each other for centuries (sorry, I got carried away there. Not really.) KTB sponsors these weddings in a bid to foster coalescion, friendliness, general know the drill. Actually, the camel derby, which has been an annual event for 22 years (WHO. KNEW????), for the past 4 years has been sponspored by KTB because they're trying to bring the two communities together. riding for peace. (chuckles) This one was the Turkana one. The following show @njerish's hair (don't ask), the groom, the groom's party, the older women in preparation, putting out the dolls they make for tourists to buy, the dolls (Magical Kenya. I'ma just start abbreviating), an ant (again. Don't ask) a kahot moran...and a traditional Samburu house (Magical Kenya, courtesy of, etc. Lol.)

(also, Kanye is refusing to attend the MTV awards if Kim can't come...I swear, everyone's going on strike...) Back to Maralal, the races began. (all MK pics)

And the crowd goes wild! Or stands around, waiting to go wild...there were runners after the camels as well, and bike races...

Because no trip is complete without a picture of my feet...or flowers...or the truck that got stuck in the mud from the retreating Zambezi...

And as the night fell... (MK)

We were treated to a cultural night. :o)

We reached the...cough...Twilight of our journey, and it was back to Nairobi's traffic for me. (MK)


p.s. I have many things to blog about. Life is moving rather quickly.