Sunday, March 22, 2015

The first time

You never want to admit to a spark. Sometimes because it's always scary to admit to feeling to anything that makes you vulnerable. But also because sometimes you shouldn't be admitting it.

You shouldn't feel the way you feel...even if you haven't fully described it. Or maybe that's what everyone says.

And everyone knows sparks turn into flames and flames burn.

There's a flame between your thighs when he pushes you up against the wall and the more he kisses you, the less you're trying to douse it. The night sky is watching and no one else. No one else exists except for the beast of satiation, and gratification, and just the sheer disbelief that it is finally, finally, happening, happening hungrily and fast and you are devouring each other like it is the last time.

Nothing will ever be the same again.

Thursday, March 19, 2015


She said:

Is it not agony, knowing that you will never, ever be the perfect child your mother had hoped; hoped that after carrying you for 9 months you would be the angel she'd always wanted?

You will never make her choices, even though she desperately wishes you would. You'll never love her God, her ways. You'll parody a pseudo-virginal lifestyle because by Jove the slut shaming you would have to endure otherwise isn't worth all the money in the world. And you've had a taste. It was quite enough. You'll never have the birds and the bees talk because good girls don't have sex. And you'll have to brush her off every time something is too short or too tight or too prostitute; sometimes it'll blow up in your face but like all of your flaws, you'll pretend the (internal and external) explosions never happened.

You'll never have babies, because you don't want to do to them what your mother did to you; a damage so deeply worn that you think it's a part of you, like a fat bloody artery that pumps life away from your blackened heart. And the man who is supposed to be in the picture is looking shaky as well; someone to slave over and fawn over and a whole ego of a grown adult to mollycoddle and read books about how better to deal with the child - sorry,  husband - and what you're doing wrong and how to get him and when to get him and what to do when you do and how to keep him and what you did wrong when he leaves your suffocation that isn't even really you but what you thought you ought to be.

You'll never have a straight, neat looking white girl perm where your hair flips at the end, trying to be natural. You'll never burn your hair at the salon and waste endless scorching hours in rollers again, or sit at a stall as a woman pulls your hair and five other women braid it and two other women roll it on their thighs that have imprints of braid from doing this for so long which by now have been mixed in with dirt and their skin cells and the last girl's skin cells and they're braiding it into your hair like a memento of your experience that you didn't know you bought. Not because you're an artist. But because you don't care enough and have stopped wanting to. In fact, you'll dye it red.

You'll never get a job they want. Art doesn't count. Art is a hobby until you're discovered by someone or something your parents want you to be. Something more respectable to tell their friends about their daughter with dreads. Therefore, the look of disappointment in their eyes when they look at you is pretty much permanent.  May as well get used to it.

You will start to wonder if your version of ok is ever going to be ok for anyone other than you.

Your life is a lie so smooth it chokes you with its fluidity every time you see her.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

When people are always super nice to you before they like wax your vagina hoping their words will be the balm for your roaring coin purse and they're SO not - but worse.


I mean, I haven't really felt like doing much today. Much in the way of constructive, adult stuff, anyway. Like, I totally want to go meet John at Sierra and talk about all the wonderfully useless shit in each other's lives that we've missed, for some reason, because, life, or whatever. And at Sierra we'll see the Queen, who's meeting up with Inferno (who I only recognize at the very end, who doesn't recognize me either because it's been years and he hadn't seen the dreads). And I'll remember that years ago, when Twitter was Twitter, I was SUPER crushing on her (skinny) (ex?) boyfriend, and the steamy DMs gave me life for a quick minute, that ended rapidly when I met the Queen. Fortunately she seems to be a benevolent ruler.

I didn't feel like working either. I mean, not that I am ever ati suuuuper enthusiastic about it, but, today was a big day for us at jobo, and the episode was coming out, so that was exciting...but something was just like...meh. I ignored's been like that for a I didn't pay it much attention. As usual. And as usual, I had to give myself a pep talk to even get out of bed to do said work.

It isn't that I've been fighting with Slevin either. I mean, people fight, right? It happens. It's bloody fucking awful, happens. And the point of two people being together is that they try...right? I mean, in spite of the ugliness. You push past it. That's what you're supposed to do. Regardless of the fact that you want to murder someone. And not the nice Seyi Shay 'Murda'. The one for weaponry and praying to Jesus for your soul and the strength in your hands.

So I got home and called SecondPresident - I was supposed to go over to his and watch the episode - but he isn't home, which fucks up my dinner plans. I open up my email -

And there it is.

The email.

The one I've been waiting for from December.

Planning my entire life around it, too. Like if I go, what happens to me? And SB? And Slevin? My apartment? My racism, you know? What happens to my large amount of debt?

The email said:
Dear ***,

This email is to inform you that a decision has been made regarding your application to ***, which is now available to you on your activity page. Please log in using your account credentials. Please note that *** will never email you your decision directly.

My heart started beating faster than Jason Statham when he knows he has to act next to James Franco in Homefront, because, oh shit, he actually has to act.
Like oh shit, the letter is here (at least I've paid my rent...)

I go to the portal.

Dear ***,
(so many dears. Are they setting me up for something?)

I regret to inform you that *** program did not approve your application for admission to *** for Fall 2015.


Well then.

I guess they were.)

Admission decisions are made on a comparative basis and are the result of a careful evaluation of each candidate's application, taking into account academic achievement (Oh Lord. Guys. KCSE DOESN'T COUNT FOR SHIT! CAMAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!), preparation for advanced study (oh God. I've never been prepared a day in my life. They knew. They could see it in my personal statement.), and other supporting materials. (like what? Nudes?)

The majority of those who apply to the Graduate School have strong qualifications and demonstrate an ability to do advanced academic work (ayayayayayayayayayayaya. WHO HAVE THEY BEEN TALKING TO? *sigh*). We regret that we have to disappoint many bright and talented students. (YOU regret it? *wails* Am I bright and talented, mommy?)

Thank you for your interest in ***. I wish you the best in your academic endeavors.

*sighs again*
I got to the end of the letter and then had to immediately go back to work and kind of try to ignore the adrenalin that was coursing through my fingers and making them shake. Then I read the letter about 14 more times. Then I started thinking about this blog post. Then I started thinking about who I should tell first. Fuck, I shouldn't have told people I'm applying. I should have just not. And said 'I have no future plans whatsoever' anytime anyone asked me. Now I have to tak about it. Because I dreamed about it. Now my dad will be like...get a real job...and Drumsticks will be like...well there goes 75 dollars...ok she won' in.

So now?
So now I have to act like the email never happened and go back to the life I had plan for if the answer was no (because you always plan for both answers, right?)...
Or something like that.
Or just sleep.
Meh. I feel so meh. I suck at rejection drafted on fancy letterheads.


Monday, March 9, 2015

The Breakup: Goodbye, RHOA

Sometimes, a TV show is like a drug, and you don't realize how bad you look when you are wiping off your little white friend from the side of your whatever until you watch Scarface and realize that that is probably you.

You see this is the thing - I LOVE reality TV. I always have, and I have always wanted there to be more. I want to see how everyone is living! What they're buying! I want to intrude on my favourite superstars' lives! Yes, I would never do the BBA thing with the shower hour (I did audition though. I think they could sense that off of me. And it didn't help that when I told my mother about it, she was like, oh, the show with the lesbians? That would never have worked, amirite?)

But I have reached the End of the Road with RHOA. I just watched Season 7 Episode 10 and I am officially unable to can.

I have been trying to quit the drug for a good long time now. When Nene had that sex party and deliberately created drama and there was a demon, as Portia said, in the room, and the fight was ridiculous, and then all that drama happened?
Look, I used to like drama. But that one was too much. But I couldn't resist the pull! So a couple of months later I broke my fast and got back into the season 6 again, watched Portia act a damn fool, and then launched into Season 7.

And now here we are. I can't.
So in Episode 10 Nene gets into it with Claudia at some point and tells her that her clitoris has left her body.

Guys, I don't know if this bothered me so much because I *have* a clitoris - I'm not sure. But I was just like...what??
What now?

I mean...what???
I started to question all of my life's decisions. What is my life? What are my choices? Why are we here?
Nene is clearly a crazy person (as is Kenya, as The Apprentice showed later as well). And even though she was clearly on the wrong, she STILL felt the need to call out Claudia's lady parts - and try to SLUT SHAME her? Forget the ridiculousness of the fact that Nene was once a stripper - it is entirely possible that she could have been a stripper who didn't sleep with clients - but to get to the point where you are so far gone in your arrogance that you feel the need to call on vajayjays? For NO REASON?

Nene is crazy.
Kenya is crazy.
Portia is deluded af.
Kandi is really the only one I am willing to fux wit, but she doesn't have her own show, so. It's just like how they shouldn't have put all of the other Braxtons in Braxton Family Values (couldn't get past Season 1, and even that, with the lovely vampire Toni, was a struggle. How people watch Tamar and Vince is beyond my comprehension).
Phaedra, with all her casual shade throwing ways that used to be oh-so-amusing, seems to just be becoming malicious and vindictive, and I'm not here for it.
Claudia seems cool, but I am sure that is going to change any minute now, because all these woman are not who they really are. They change every single episode! Like 2 episodes ago, Kenya and Nene were hugging and now she is side-eyeing her the end. Unless we have them on camera 24/7, you can never really know what these women are choosing to portray, or why, because it isn't a novel, so, what's the point? Because that bipolar-like character change just has my high blood pressure like whattttt is going on here (and the scriptwriter in me is like that trajectory of character development is just too implausible...)?? And why? And these can't be real people?? And why am I watching these CRAZY PEOPLE?? And...whattt?
These are a bunch of influential black women who can do more than just entertain with ratchetry (#Kandi). But what they choose to do instead is tear each other down and talk about clitorises leaving the building. Even me I am leaving. The more I take in, the crazier I have potential to become. I barely even remember why I started watching it in the first place.
I mean...
It's not me. It's DEFINITELY you.


Sunday, March 1, 2015

On my mind in the dark.

During the day, it's fine. I can forget. I can push it to the back of my head, willingly or unwillingly. But at night...there's something so beautiful about the night. It's dark and melancholy and begs you to ask what you did with its sister. I sometimes have a good answer. I can go to sleep happy. I can be ok.

But when I don't...when it's been one of those days when all you've done is avoid what you know you should have done...then the darkness turns. It shifts form and becomes something that swallows you whole.

Maybe all this unwillingness to do stuff that I don't want to do is a sign of something bigger than just my inner darkness and failed (failing?) projects. Do crazy people know they're crazy? Do depressed people know they're depressed?

For some reason I think it should be accompanied by tears and deep introspection - neither of which I bother with (avidly). When I voice it I feel like I sound ridiculous or selfish - what do you mean, you don't feel like coming to/taking me to/dancing with? When I tell him, he shows concern and then nods off to sleep...listening to someone talking about the same thing again and again can't be fun when you're sleepy. And then because he is snoring beside me and I feel overwhelmed by the ocean of thoughts within me, I sleep. Not because I am resolved and a new creature, but because I am too tired to keep fighting today.