Friday, December 28, 2012

Let's! Go! FLY a KITE!!

I really hate the weird sounds planes make. Like, when it's in the air and the ka-hum reduces as if it's an appliance about to go off. But, aside from that, I love me some planes. I'd forgotten how much I like flying, to the point I get a little bit emotional. I'd forgotten how smug I feel when I watch passengers who were silly enough to wear lots of metal and overcomplicated, metal, shoes. That jump in your tummy at takeoff, as if you have a crush on the skies and your heart leaps to meet it every time, to soar too. The ant farm that everything below becomes, reducing common problems (like traffic) to peasize. The sunlight glinting off the aeroplane wing when all you can see is shine and blue. That blinking light that remains constant, like a good boyfriend. :D

That flight was like a jav ride, though. It took shorter to get there than it would to get to town from my digz. Ha, and there's a sign on the wing that says 'Do not step out of this area.' Yeah right. Because that's bloody likely.

I like haikus (form of...Japanese? Poetry, in which first line is 5 syllables, then 7, then 5). When I wasn't laughing at statements on the plane, I was writing those. Find below. Like an exam question. Lol.

Tripping on mountains.
Clouds and a breeze The wing says
Do not step out. Nope!

Pressurized cabin.
Is that to say no farting?
Will the plane blow up?


Monday, December 17, 2012


Like a grown up, today I went and bought many things that the world says one should have in a grown up's house (clearly, this is quite the bone of contention/main underlying theme with me). One of these was a fridge.

The fridge section tends to be boring. Especially the cheap fridge section. Annoyance #1 was the fact that the price of the fridge was not what everyone I had asked said it would be. A difference of 2gs is still a difference.

2, all fridges are a boring colour. They all want to be in a 20s black and white/Charlie Chaplin movie. Oh look, I'm black! And I'm grey! White over here! Where are the reds, the blues, the oranges? WHAT'S THE POINT OF THE RAINBOW??

3, APPARENTLY Nakumatt charges you to deliver, which I do not think they should, especially as my digz is behind the supermarket. The number of smart points I got made me feel a tad better, but...still. Aisee. It's like the way Steers decided to be douches and only deliver if I ordered over a k worth of food. Ati because I live far. WHERE is that on your poster, Mr. Galito man? False advertising is the downfall of eateries and government institutions. *sigh* See why I need a car?

Point is, I have a fridge. Time to do some BLAMING! Not that I need a fridge to blame it, it just seemed like an appropriate way to end


p.s. I AM ON WHATSAPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D

Friday, December 14, 2012

Film: The Hobbit | An Unexpected Journey

Yes, I did. I watched it before you. LOL.

I had some apprehension going into this movie; first, because I would rather Christopher Nolan not ruin yet another epic from me, and second, I mean, aside from Star Wars, are prequels ever worth it?


I loved it! All of it. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. It was beautifully shot in beautiful places. The 3D rocked! Ah, Imax, it had been too long. :o) It was rarely funny, but when it was funny, it was funny. It was scary when it was, moving when it was...and such a guy flick. You see ONE chick in the whole movie (unless some of the Orcs...I mean, I can't tell, can I). The Dwarf King is a H.O.T.T.I.E.! Yes sir, please dwarf me with your...size...anytime. LOOOOOOL. I LOVED seeing old favourites (this isn't a spoiler, they say it in the previews and things) like Gandalf and the Lady of Lorien, King Elrond...once again, it made me reminiscient of WOT. AND, AND, AND, I actually REMEMBERED one of the Gollum rhymes, which is so unusual because I read this book when I was 10. I didn't want the movie to end, at all, and again, as apprehensive as I was about there being 3 movies for a 300 page long book, Peter Jackson has done it again. This whole movie gave me the fuzzies (especially when Mr Dwarf King Man and his...armour...was on screen...ok I'll stop); the kind you can only get from a movie whose history you know and have watched grow, like a nostalgic looking-forward-to-the-next-ones type. A sound 4 out of 5, tying with Nairobi Half Life for 3rd best movie of the year...unless Django Unchained is a cray cray masterpiece. We shall have to wait and see. (also, the Star Trek trailer? SOOOOO watching it next year!!!!!)


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Film: Pitch Perfect

Aside from my brilliant writing, I used to belong to one of the best a cappella groups ever (shout out to my boy Mike, who's gonna fly my private plane when I'm rich). We were pretty fantastic. I was just the talent, but the two guys behind the magic (magic here referring to vocal arrangements and...all that stuff that talent doesn't know) were...magical, y'know? Those were great times in my life.

I watched Pitch Perfect and I was insulted. By so many things. The great thing about it was the songs, which I didn't feel there were enough of, but whatever. I liked that they picked people with strange faces, not classic beauties or muscled jocks, like Stomp the Yard. Not that I'm complaining, sigh...but everything else about this movie sucked. The plotlines, character developments and so-called moral takeaway were all over the place, as was the script, the comedy, the...everything. The saving graces were a few characters (Rebel Wilson and Skylar Astin rocked), and like I said, the songs. I raised my eyebrows a lot, partially from confusion and partially trying really hard to stay awake through the garbled tieback romanticism of The Breakfast Club. I was even further insulted that it has a 77% on Rotten Tomatoes, which I think is a laughable travesty.

An a cappella/singoff movie is a hard movie to make, I agree. It's like a dance movie; all you want to do is focus on the voice. Even with Glee, I think there is a lot lacking but they make up for it. Or you get used to it. Whatever. With PP, they didn't even try. These folks clearly wrote a script when they were asleep.

It gets a 2 out of 5. And that is a looooooooooooooooooow 2.

Ati they want to make a sequel. I need to get back to singing.


Monday, December 10, 2012

Moving on UP!

My 20 jobs are going fine, thank you very much.

How I ended up moving out is I got tired of the situation I was in (i.e. not being able to have arbitrary sleepovers and trips to Lamu, lol) and so I purposed -really hard! - and moved. I think there is a lot to be said for getting the universe on your side. When I get tired, I move on. I always want more, in my life, I always want a higher level and quality of life. Which I didn't discover until they started constructing new apartments in my concrete backyard in Foreverland. I was SO done...

So now, I am tired of matatus. Gone are the days when the loud music was hip and the conductors were cute. Now, I'm just irritated all the freaking time. Javving makes me nauseous, sitting next to smelly/uncouth people makes me nauseous, having to get into a jav in the first place with a rude and practically inhuman (I swear condis act like they were brought up by wolves. But that seems like an insult to the wolves. I mean, I know I'm not a dog person, but damb) conductor is simply a crime against humanity #noRuto. It's time, dear readers; it's time for a car. I'm putting it out there, and will be accepting donations henceforth.


Saturday, December 1, 2012

I CHOOSE LIFE!! (pahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

My eyes are getting ready to write placards decrying the inhumane treatment they have been forced to endure at my...eyeballs. It's 2 in the morning, and I am awake, doing my job...blogging. Ha, no. I just sent in something that was due a while back. Lately, my life seems to be full of those.

I quit my job a few months ago. I missed my bed greatly. I wanted to be able to pick and choose days to go to work and days to not go. I wanted freedom. Versatility. FREEDOM.

My friend told me I am a spoilt brat for quitting. That all ADULTS do is things they do not like long enough to get to the point that they can do things that they do like. I was irritated at her perspective, mostly because, a, I am not an adult (ignore my rent moans and existence of the word job in this post), and b, the world is bleak enough already without your friends telling you what you can, can't, shouldn't be doing, neh? I ignored the (disillusioned and slightly) and enjoyed the rest of her company.

I've stuffed my face with more cake than I have eaten this whole year. There's stomach in my cake. My day was such a whirlwind of guests and work, there was no time for proper food. White forest cake, made with grapes and strawberries and cream that melts in your mouth like a compliant candy cane. In case you were wondering.

It's scary to quit. It's scary to freelance and have your dad ask you when you're going to get a real job. It's uncertain, and tormentous, and the irony is that I am doing more work than I have ever done before in my life. And I keep on taking more, because I am hungry. And I am foolish. And maybe, because I have never challenged myself before; because I have never bothered to push myself to stop being lazy, and see how much I can do (and buy a car. I really want a car)- I was always the kid being told I have so much potential- maybe it's worth it. Maybe I can choose what I want to do (quite frankly, who wants to do what they hate? And who says you have to? You don't have to do anything except stay black and die, unless you're MJ or JC), and do a lot of it, until I burn out or get rich - get rich or blog trying. Maybe I don't have to choose. Maybe it chose me.

It's nearly 3 and my eyes are now resigned to their fate. But I figure...I have to stay up. My hungry foolish eyes have so much left to see that I haven't seen. There's way too much living to be done.


Friday, November 23, 2012

The Sunny Side

I swear I wrote this post ages ago and then something happened and then...well, I'm here now.

Hello, folks! It's been a while. Things have changed in my life, which will be blogged about at a later date (I hope. I pray). I will just say, the major change was The Move from Foreverland to The Sunny Side (cue dancing from Singing in the Rain). This has had an impact on several areas of my life, namely:

1. I have not unpacked because I have to install shelves because it is a studio apartment.

2. No unpacking means for two weeks means I have worn the same jeans an embarrassing number of times within those two weeks (thank goodness for days I stay home and wear pyjamas).

3. It is on the 6th floor. I will never go to the gym again.

4. The view is awesome, both for flights and fights. I was watching one the other day at 3 a.m. Chick was screaming like a banshee about her brother's girlfriend. Refused to let him go with her. Sat her arse down in the middle of the street, talmbout he ain't going nowhere with that heifer. Tv? Y'all still do that?

5. There is a, outside, and a mosque, so at odd hours (i.e. 5 a.m., after the fights are done) the Imam and rooster do a collabo. But I can sleep through a cock (haaaaaaaaaaa), or a tornado (I slept through those quakes for Nai. Remember those mini-quakes?)...I mean, the only thing that wakes me up is my alarm clock. Not a cock. (I couldn't resist)

I love that there's more people I know around me, and two hospitals down the road (I mean, they don't take my insurance, but they'll do in a pinch). I love that I haven't been near The Death Highway in ages, and that my local is a supermarket a 10 minute walk away (see? No gym. Ever again). The elec prepaid meter irritates me (no, I am not going to put in more unless I absolutely have to -ha!- and quit the beeping. It's like a baby.), but I guess it was going to get to me anyway. All the caretakers know my name (c'mon, c'mon say my name!)

I like it here. (on the sunnyyyy/side of the street)


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Film: Brave

I watched Brave, and it freaked me out. Like, I was genuinely scared. There was a darkness in it that I felt was not meant for tois, bana.

Aside from the untrue GE rating...the graphics were good. I liked the accents (who doesn't like Scots? And they paid tribute to Braveheart. You can't not like that either), I liked the characters, and the visual effects were very well done. I also liked that the whole hero-heroine Disney trend was not a cliche. So glad I didn't watch it in a cinema. I would've been climbing up the walls and shii. I give it a 3 out of 5.


p.s. Caved and got the Total Recall dvd...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Book: Something Borrowed

I dunno what the chances are that one can have one title for two different books about two totally different things, but I guess with chicklit, it was only a matter of time (particularly when the title is a line from marital vows. There's probs 4 other ones). I just finished reading Something Borrowed by Martina Reilly (I love those Irish lasses. #teamMarianKeyes) a month after I read Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin (and I have just finished Something Blue by her as well, so here goes).

I was pleasantly surprised by this lassie. I read the book and watched the movie (and of course there were inconsistencies) and they were both pretty good. It's about the classic mousy sidekick who falls in love with her shallow diva best friend's fiancee. As far as chicklit goes, it's a strong 3.

Meh. That's all I have to say about this sequel. I don't know why people do sequels. It's almost never a good idea, unless it's LOTR or WOT, or...Sweet Valley. This one is about what happens to the shallow diva best friend after the fiasco. I didn't like the character development, or where she decided to go with the story (especially because I saw it coming...though to be fair, it's chicklit. You always see it coming.), but I got to the end of the book, which is a lot more than I can say for George Martin's (GOT guy) Fevre Dream, which I could not get past page 100. It gets a strong 2, I guess. Meh...

Yay! The Irish! I love it all. Leprechauns and shamrocks espesh. This one's about a girl who is adopted and wants to find her birth mother, on the road to conquering truths about her life and herself, and everything she thought to be real. I also quite liked this girl. She writes very simply. She is not into ati description or anything too fancy, which is exactly how I like my written material to be. Frills are nice, but sometimes, you want to keep it basic. In fact, she is almost too basic. I almost didn't like her, until I discovered that basic is really the way to get to the heartstrings. I felt tears more than once aching to get out and I had to remind myself I'm not a crier. Not really. I did like this one, and I didn't think I was going to. A strong 3.


p.s. Watched Skyfall yet?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tomorrow never comes

Great Sidney Sheldon book. Though to be fair, I can't think of a single one I did not like. What does that phrase even mean? Isn't tomorrow here when today is over? Or is it because the statement is never true?

I am awake at ungodly hours trying to learn how to type properly and downloading oodles of joyful things, like Weeds Season 8) (oh, it's just said it has finished downloading Brokeback Mountain, which I have never watched. I know, I know. I am making up for lost itme with a Heath marathon, started by 10 things I hate about you on KTN last Saturday night). Dude. That home row is killing me LOL. See if I had free internets in my life, I would never get off the couch. The leather so soft...

I am also moving. Again. (can you imagine, this is the first time I have signed a lease? It says I year. I feel so grown. In a year, will I have to move out because I have bought my own home/farm/jet/stripper pole?) Foreverland has told me forever and tomorrow never come, and forever is but a place where dreams go to laugh at humans and all their naivete. Gosh that sounds morbid. Ignore that paragraph.

I don't have a car, and I do not feel like asking for one. I will probably cab it. I'm also heavily in debt in life (because I cannot afford my life. Can people really? Oh, I know people who do...adults. Ha.) but I think I have a plan, and it seems like a sound plan, so that is what I am going with. I am nothing if not confident, even in the face of the butterflies fleeing from my wallet. Not for long now!

My jobless friends may be coming to help me move; jobless friends are useful people (in my world, they call them freelancers. We like to stick together, a merry little band). I mean, they're not Cube Movers (ah, simple rich people dreams...stop laughing at me, forever!) but two of them (the most morbid person I know, and the other such a neat freak that she cleans house when she's stoned. Like, that's her first instinct. Oooh, puff puf...clean. Yeah.), but they're really as close as I can get to professional service, just that I do not have to pay for it (the best kind of sluts. No? Ok.)

The point is (I think), I am MOVING! (now to think of a new name for my new spot) Yay! Change! I said I would, and I did. *cue Mariah Carey*



p.s. Trying not to encourage my addiction to coconut macaroons (sp?) at Paul Cookieman's. Why is it in town? So easy access, like a bikini. Ah, me.
p.s. Biko...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Film: Skyfall

*sighs in ecstasy*

I watched Skyfall yesterday. I was one of the first people in East Africa to do so. I am so glad I am a blogger! Lol.


Y'all do not even understand how good that movie was.

It was funny. It was somber. It was action-packed. It was sexy. It was...

It was perfect.

The movie was perfect. The acting was perfect. The script and the plot and THE VILLAIN and the sets and the cars and the women and the score (of course. It's Adele) and the visual effects and the opening credits and the was all perfect. PERFECT!

Daniel Craig delivers a STERLING performance, totally worth waiting 4 years for. And yes...he drinks Heineken. But this is James Bond. It's not like he has one drink throughout the whole movie. The Bond girl, Berenice (Severine, in the movie), is gorgeously convincing. Eve is a great driver, and I like how they've switched up the roles now...old meets new in a fluid symbiotic relationship (it's a theme that plays through the entire movie...very relevant). There's a new Q, of course, among other things. The supporting actors really support! LOL. The villain is incomparable...ok he is is comparable to only the greatest villains of all time, like Joker and Hannibal Lecter. I was staring at his surprising performance and I was like, THIS is the guy who was in Vicky Christina Barcelona? How underrated! (How does that movie have a 7.2 on IMDB? SIELEWI. And the way @donatellimg insast on that flick) My movie buddy feels they were paying tribute to past Bonds - Sean Connery (they're in Scotland at some point) and he drives the car Pierce Brosnan drove (ah, Pierce Brosnan...). Possibly one of the best Bond flicks ever. It was great. It was great!

Officially the second best movie I have seen this year. Thrilling from begining to delicious end. Delightful. Delectable. Diabolical. Divine! 5 out of bloody 5, as M would say.

Where you go I go,
What you see I see
I know I'll never be me, without the security
Of your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we'll stand

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the sky fall, when it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At Skyfall


p.s. When you guys watch it, we'll discuss the title. Gosh, I hope you love it as much as I did. I hope I don't steer you wrong. :o)

Monday, October 15, 2012

Food: Urban Coffee

It takes a combination of balls and stupidity to open up your coffee/cafe thingummy right next to a franchise that has been doing what you are trying to do for years. This is either chutzpah, or you are dumb. I am yet to decide.

Urban Coffee is at Capital Centre, the corner before you turn to Java. (See what I mean?) When I checked in, the waiters looked eager for business (as I am sure they all do at the beginning, but oh, how quickly the glamour fades *say to the tune of Rabbit Heart*). The menu is small and organized, which is good. Choices can be made fast and easy (like the best kind of girl? Ha) The prices are higher than Java, and the portions are smaller than Java...I mean, come on. THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. Of course I am going to compare everything.

I had the breakfast special...thing. It's a neat little package that offers you as much as it can with as little as it can. There was tea, baked beans (the throwback quality of which excited me immensely), egg, toast, salad and bacon. In tiny, tiny portions. The salad was NASTY. So very nasty. Bitter. I don't know what was going on that day. The baked beans were five. The toast was miniscule, as if for a Lilliputian. The bacon and the omelette were very well done, as was the tea. I appreciate the giving out of free and varied magazines (Kenya Yetu, in which Biko has a marvelous piece on Fatherhood, and Ebony, Buidings of Kenya - an older version of what Mutua Matheka is trying to do with the Kenya254 thing - etc), but these folks need to oull up their socks, because next week, I will definitely walk right back around the corner to familiar territory.


p.s. Still haven't watched Brave. Don't know if I can work up the necessary enthusiasm to fork over 800 bob to watch Avatar...again. So now, Skyfall...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


My girl MM and I sit by a pool, reminiscing about the time she once smoked a blunt the size of a dick. The sun is not out; in fact, it hides behind ominous clouds that are grumbling slightly about having to cohabit. Nonetheless, we are dipping our toes in the freezing water, perversely clinging to our one goal today; to go swimming.

It was the last time she ever smoked up. After 2 puffs (amateur, smh, haaaa) she was running behind pillars like a CIA agent; pillars she was bigger than, with no one behind them, hunting her, ha, regardless of what she thought she saw.

It made me think of my youth. I'm apparently, still in my prime, or rather, approaching it, depending on what side of menopause you fall on. I feel like there are some things I still need to be doing. Silly, youth-y things like wearing small things and showing off my excellently arranged cleavage before its arrangement is pulled down off the shelf. My cousin, who just had a baby, says I need to take nude pictures before I look too old to look good in them. It sounds like a plan.

When we were remembering this story, I felt a warm glow inside me, (definitely not the pool), as if I was watching a movie with one of those fuzzy moments (you know the ones, where the kid is being thrown up in the air in slow motion). I felt like I had a youth, and it was a good one. And it is not over, just in its middle age. And I want to be able to look back on the middle phase, and say 'I enjoyed that immensely, and so did my boobs.'


Friday, October 5, 2012

So I am excited about Skyfall.


I thought I would take this opportunity (Bond Day) to express my extreme excitement over the next entrant into the Bond franchise (note the alliteration). Bond is 50 years old today (the franchise), and I thought we would have a look-see at my favourites...

Ah, Sean Connery. They could not have picked a better man to be the first to personify Ian Fleming's James Bond. Sean Connery was the first Bond ever, in 1962 with Dr. No. Funnily enough, he isn't my favourite Bond...only because I think his later work was much better (The Rock, anyone?). He played James Bond in 6 films (interrupted by George Lazenby, who only did one - On Her Majesty's Secret Service - something he must still be kicking himself over, the right idiot, lol, years later for a franchise that has made 23 films and grossed 4.9 BILLION - more like 12 billion if you calculate inflation nininini - at the Box Office, beaten only by - get this? HARRY POTTER, also British. Hm.), then passed the baton to Roger Moore, a suave fellow if there ever was one.

Roger Moore did 7 movies, and then it was Timothy Dalton's Bond, who for the longest time was my favourite Bond, even though he only did 2 movies (License to Kill is also my favourite Bond soundtrack, done by Gladys Knight).

Next was Pierce Brosnan (who can argue with his seamless adoption of the role), then Daniel Craig.

I have constant arguments about who the best Bond is, but at the end of the day, honestly, you can't not like James Bond (my friend has a theory about how Jason Bourne, whose initials are also oh-so-coincidentally J.B., was written up by Ludlum to be the American Bond). Everyone grew up with him (like Bold and the Beautiful) and all guys wanted to be him, the girls wanted to be with him. He was the internationally renowned badass who got all the ladies and cracked all the cases (see what I did there?). He was the King of one liners and TKOs. How do you not like - sorry, love - this guy? Well, people have several things against Daniel Craig himself (which they need to get over. Did you or did you not watch the Olympics Opening Ceremony? He was on screen with the QUEEN, for pity's sake.). I for one think he is a fantastic actor (have you seen Defiance?), and I think he is meant to depict the more ruthless side of Bond, you know? The one who has battle scars and has been...well, to battle. Another thing that viewers might notice is a new Q, played by (he was old, even back in the day, R.I.P.), and the fact that Bond is now drinking Heineken.

I'm sure you have seen him in the trailer. If you do read the James Bond books (there have been 6 other authors after Ian Fleming passed away), you knw that indeed, Bond did drink beer, so I suppose it is a moot point...although his two trademark lines are 'Bond. James Bond.' and 'Shaken. Not stirred.' I wonder what his new lines are going to be?

Skyfall (soundtrack by Adele. EXCITOS, INNIT??!!) premieres October 26th. T-20. Who's your favourite Bond?


p.s. James Bond was actually a real person. Ian Fleming picked the name because he wanted his superhero agent to have the boringest name he could find. O_______O

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Film: Haywire and The Bourne Legacy

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

So, Haywire showed SUCH promise. A movie with several just fantastic actors: Michael Douglas (Romancing the Stone - as I thus age myself. But that was a great movie). Antonio Banderas (Desperado, Puss in Boots, The Mask of Zorro...shwi shwi SHWI!), Michael Fassbender (Prometheus, X-Men: First Class. In fact, his depiction of the robot rivals Jude Law in A.I. Very nicely done), Ewan McGregor (needs absolutely NO introduction. Come on, y'all. He was OBI-WAN KENOBI, for Pete's sake.) and Gina Carano (professional badass) (and Channing Tatum, who I don't really care about. But ok. He was in Step Up, and that romcom yeah, The Vow), you would think the movie would just be amAZEballs, right?

Wrong. So very wrong.

The two great things about the movie are that Miss Gina over there is really, really, just such a badass. Possibly because she's a mixed martial artist. As in. Those moves look so very real. AIIIII. I want some of what she is having. Also, the director or whoever tried to do a very Snatch-like artsy-fartsy action film. Some of those shots are glorious. He really tried.

He tried too hard. Aki there are 5 lines of dialogue in this whole movie. The plot moves waaaaaaaaaay too slowly. There's too much...of everything. Too many stars, too many artsy loooong shots/walks, too many...ah. I was tired. Eiiiiish. It gets, it is not as bad as Courageous, so a 2 and a half out of 5. Yawa. Walikuwa wanajaribu??

Man, the absolute best movie I have watched this year is Avengers. Nothing has compared for me. Not Batman. *heart breaks* Not...ok you get it, after Batman, I feel I need not explain...and thus, I will watch everything that anyone in it is doing next. *sighs at Chris Hemsworth. Remembers he's married. Goes back to blogging* So JEREMY RENNER (Hawkeye) is the new Bourne dude. Ei, he is good. Go watch it. The plot starts helter-skelter, then you feel smart when you realize that (obviously) everything is related and you slowly make the relevant links. The sets are glamorous and shiny :D They explain a bit, enough for you to understand what is going on. I did enjoy this movie. And the heroine was very satisfactory, especially at the end with a surprise twist. Good stuff. 3 and a half out of 5.


p.s. STILL have not watched Total Recall. Too many action movies out.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Film: Nairobi Half Life

...which stops showing on October 4th, by the way, so you need to go see it (at Nakumatt Junction and at Nakumatt Westgate) (also, I just saw Haywire, but that will be reviewed...later)

The pick of actors was excellent. (only one who did not resonate with me, aside from the supporting characters who were all people I see around Nai...made me feel like I was going to see myself on screen lol) There was another prostitute there (not the one from Phoenix, although I have always thought she is also quite fantastic...the other one...) who is just hilarious. :D My favourite man of the moment, though, was Olwenya (s.p.?) Maina. He's the main bad guy. You guy. SO. Very. Well brought up. Such a thug. When I grow up...actually never mind lol.

I loved loved loved that they used Just A Band music for the movie. Because I LOVE Just A Band. HA and they used Ha-He, the Makmende song. #Ugangstaji I love those boys. I do.

The authenticity was great. The streets looked like the streets, the white boy bars looked like the white boy bars. The muggings looked for realsies. And the surprise was amusing.

The cinematography was nicey done.

The credits looked like Amero, you guy!

I thought the plot development was just a smidgen...just a tad...weak. They got away with it because everything else distracts you...but I felt some chains of events (?) were not believable, especially concerning the main character's character development and eventual was a no for me.

The ending...anyway, you see for yourself.

For a Kenyan movie...for any is a really strong movie. I felt Kenyan, you know? Like they hadn't lied with that story. Mtaa kweli kweli nininini. :D Repping the 254! A strong 4.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Things I am done with:

1. Cleaning. I have accepted. I am SOOOOO not about that life. Some heifers are. I am not one of them. So basically, for y'all wanting to wife me (hehe) there are very few wife-like qualities to be found her (I should call this part of my rant the broken record). Ther will be, no cooking, no cleaning, no porn star moves, and no washing of underwear. (There are a few here I could be convinced to do, but it's better to start with lower expectations. Worked for KCSE...pahaaaa)

2.Bad tasting alcohol. Yes, I know the point of alcohol is not the taste, but for me, it is. The means does indeed justify the end. I don't like pain (blunt over beer, can I get a whoop whoop? Except that first ever's a mofo), and the things my palate has had to experience in pursuit of oblivion are just unfair (the Taste Buds Union has sent me several letters, and they WILL strike. I AM Kenyan). And so...NO MORE. (IRN, Black Ice and Yatta Red Grape Juice taste like Appletizer...or something so delightful. Like that drink in The BFG. #WIN)

3. Hooking my friends up. Like everyone in a relationship, I have a tendency to think I know better than all my single friends (I do) about their love lives, what is needed to make a relationship work(...because I do), who they would just make such a cute couple with...etc. But, you know what, my quiverful of luuuuurrrrvvv arrows just stabbed me a nice one in the arse. I am done with unsolicited hookups of (most) all kinds, and will not attempt (not even a teensy-weensy bit...not even after recovering from my wounds) to throw anyone in anyone's way, literally, figuratively or otherwise. Why? *sigh* I may be bad at it (then again, when things go sour, one always blames the benevolent creature of light who was trying to help you out in the first place) You want a relationship/shag/flirtmate/one-night stand, go find it yourself.



p.s. Watched Nairobi Half Life today! YES!!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Film: Resident Evil : Retribution

So I watched Resident Evil: Retribution jana against my better judgment, because I was trying to think outside the box and give Milla Jovovich a chance to impress me (which she did), and give scary things a chance to freak me the f* out, etc. Plus, the trailer was freakin' awesome. SO a few disclaimers before I begin:

1. I have never watched a Resident Evil movie. In fact, I could not even play the video game because the zombies freaked me out too much. I'm the chick who was in the cinemas watching I Am Legend with one eye peeping out from between my terrified fingers.

Oh wait. I think that is the only disclaimer.

The beginning was great! Really awesome graphics and an even awesomer soundtrack (dude, the whole movie. They were really on point with that soundtrack. Local productions could learn a thing or two about when the music is supposed to be scary and when it's supposed to...not be). And thank goodness they had an explanation thingy for those of us who they knew were there for the first time (because that trailer was awesome...)

Let's be frank, RE is not really about the lyrical prowess of the script or the amazing acting talent (because the script was weak and some of the acting was pretty atrocious). It's about badassery and basic butt-kicking. Which there was a lot of. Milla is on fire, yo. Some of those stunts are pretty cool (but way too few, IMHO). It's like a chick flick (because of Milla, and all the greatest fights have girls in 'em, - and I want to start tae kwon do - and they threw in Boris Kodjoe for useless eye candy, because he had all of three lines and did...well,f* all to contribute to...f* in the blizzard his shirt has room for cleavage, but no one else does. It's for, really? And they tried to do ati some useless paternal connection for ati he likes children, but it was oh so weak) and a guy flick (there were girls with useless unnecessary - necessary to the guys, I guess - cleavage, and slits, and of course Milla's leather nininini, and bombs, and COOL explosions, and grotesque monsters - one of whom really reminded me of Lizard (Reptile?) in Spidey, or a grolm in WOT).

*so there's this time they are running away from a monster and then the trained assassins with huge guns only think to start shooting at the animal mutant when Milla tells them to. REALLY? Trained bad guys? With guns larger than their arms? REALLY???...also, the Phantom and Porsche were a nice - and obvious - touch.

So yay to the soundtrack and the butt-kicking, and effects, nay for the weak script and acting (enyewe I've stressed on that script. Utajuaje mi ni scriptwriter.), basically. And there were some ka-loose plot points, but...whatever. Also, I never trusted that toi...but it's not my movie (but I mean, who trusts tois? And WHY?? I may be biased here...). I give it a weak 2 and a half. Just know what you're going to watch it for...(i.e...not the script. In case you hadn't gathered.)


p.s. Total Recall is next, seeing as I have seen NO reviews on this movie, as in. ARGH, still haven't caught Nairobi Half Life...

Thursday, September 6, 2012


There are gonna be HELLA pics in this post. So grab your hearty companion fortitude. You know the drill.

Who knows where Maralal is? No? Me neither, until I (Wikid it, then) went for the annual Camel Derby with the Tembea Kenya team (also, Wikipedia says it’s in North Eastern. Apparently it’s in Rift Valley. Um…). Yo. I thought my shags was far...Maralal is ridiculous. I’ve never been further in Kenya. It took us a day and a half of solid travel to get there. In my head, Isiolo is the furthest I know from anywhere. MARALAL IS 200 KM FROM ISIOLO. W. T. F.??

So we get to Nanyuki where we at at Kikwetu something something which has great food (because these things must be mentioned) and a very friendly hostess. And I saw my bank! And a Nakumatt...and a 50 bob movie place. It's like Nai! But, you know. Not. (They EVEN have something that looks like it was supposed to be the Nation twin towers! Cheap invented thrills!!)Then we get to Isiolo and guys are like, erm...The first night we slept at Isiolo Transit Hotel, because we could not keep going – bandits, et al, some of whom had shot an AP the other day. Now bloggers?? – which was not shabby at all. I am pleased to report that there are no larger than life bugs at Isiolo Transit Hotel. I don’t know about the rest of Isiolo…PICTURES!

The door of my room, followed by my curtain. Thrilling stuff!

Then the shower, (very important), mosquito net, bed, more shower...gotsta give my readers a real feel of the place, you know? :D

The welcome to our humble hotel thing beside the bed, and Bibles. You would think they had Qurans, right? Wrong...

Where we had dinner, and a view from the dinner table to our rooms.

The next day we left at 7:30 a.m. for the final (long ass) stretch. The scenery was pretty.

Then we got to our hotel...Sunbird. This is the Reception (if you couldn't tell) and...the stones...and...the seating spot outside...and pretty maize (I need a new word. 'Pretty' is becoming my 'nice'.)

And, because I like such random, it's a horror movie/pretty cloudy skies pictures...the mood :D :D

When we got to Maralal (specifically, Yare Camel Camp) it was raining. Raining! I was wearing SANDALS, for Pete’s sake. I came prepared for desert climate and sleeveless, scandalous outfits. *sigh* You guy we waded in the water, like in the song. There were flooded roads about a foot and a half deep. The bus couldn’t pita. Adventure adventure! So note number 1: When you are coming to Maralal, make sure you have one of those cars that can handle such things (then again, isn’t that the general rule? Everywhere? Yes.) Second, carry gumboots, or if you can fit a kabodaboda motorbike in your luggage, it's go a long, long way. Apparently, it has never rained like that at this time of year. Mhm. I bet they say that to all the tourists lol. This is the road which transforms (Autobots, transform! Or. You know. Roads. Overflow.) into the Zambezi when it rains. Do not be deceived by the calm looking man. The rain was at like his knees a second ago.

(These pictures look upside down in the preview and I do not know how to fix them. WHat do you take me for, a techie??!!) Then we ate!

So after, you know, sijui crossing the Nile(s),we settled into our hotel rooms before the activities that were to follow the nextday. At (what felt like and indeed, was) the crack of dawn...

And of course, because Safaricom are EVERYWHERE...(I couldn't tweet the WHOLE time. It was AGONY. Because my network has no tower in Maralal. *rolls eyes*) go to the police station to wait for the bus, where these pictures were taken. The one behind the fence, sing 'Locked Up!' by Akon to it. Because it's funny. There was a cute little birdie at the front of the station, know...clearly I don't have sijui a 300mm lens...and clearly I like that katree...

The banner!! Peace, love and unity.

The camel version of the Thinker...and shaking what their mama gave 'em.

(picture courtesy of Magical Kenya)

*throws in random sunrise*

So before the actual camel races, we were savouring the culture like sos. This dude is doing blacksmithing the old school way, yo.

So we got up to go watch a Samburu and Turkana traditional wedding. The ign'nant folks like myself thought that was going to be close to the same thing, but I was wrong. In fact, the Samburu and the Turkana have been at war with each other for centuries (sorry, I got carried away there. Not really.) KTB sponsors these weddings in a bid to foster coalescion, friendliness, general know the drill. Actually, the camel derby, which has been an annual event for 22 years (WHO. KNEW????), for the past 4 years has been sponspored by KTB because they're trying to bring the two communities together. riding for peace. (chuckles) This one was the Turkana one. The following show @njerish's hair (don't ask), the groom, the groom's party, the older women in preparation, putting out the dolls they make for tourists to buy, the dolls (Magical Kenya. I'ma just start abbreviating), an ant (again. Don't ask) a kahot moran...and a traditional Samburu house (Magical Kenya, courtesy of, etc. Lol.)

(also, Kanye is refusing to attend the MTV awards if Kim can't come...I swear, everyone's going on strike...) Back to Maralal, the races began. (all MK pics)

And the crowd goes wild! Or stands around, waiting to go wild...there were runners after the camels as well, and bike races...

Because no trip is complete without a picture of my feet...or flowers...or the truck that got stuck in the mud from the retreating Zambezi...

And as the night fell... (MK)

We were treated to a cultural night. :o)

We reached the...cough...Twilight of our journey, and it was back to Nairobi's traffic for me. (MK)


p.s. I have many things to blog about. Life is moving rather quickly.