Monday, September 17, 2012

Film: Resident Evil : Retribution

So I watched Resident Evil: Retribution jana against my better judgment, because I was trying to think outside the box and give Milla Jovovich a chance to impress me (which she did), and give scary things a chance to freak me the f* out, etc. Plus, the trailer was freakin' awesome. SO a few disclaimers before I begin:

1. I have never watched a Resident Evil movie. In fact, I could not even play the video game because the zombies freaked me out too much. I'm the chick who was in the cinemas watching I Am Legend with one eye peeping out from between my terrified fingers.

Oh wait. I think that is the only disclaimer.

The beginning was great! Really awesome graphics and an even awesomer soundtrack (dude, the whole movie. They were really on point with that soundtrack. Local productions could learn a thing or two about when the music is supposed to be scary and when it's supposed to...not be). And thank goodness they had an explanation thingy for those of us who they knew were there for the first time (because that trailer was awesome...)

Let's be frank, RE is not really about the lyrical prowess of the script or the amazing acting talent (because the script was weak and some of the acting was pretty atrocious). It's about badassery and basic butt-kicking. Which there was a lot of. Milla is on fire, yo. Some of those stunts are pretty cool (but way too few, IMHO). It's like a chick flick (because of Milla, and all the greatest fights have girls in 'em, - and I want to start tae kwon do - and they threw in Boris Kodjoe for useless eye candy, because he had all of three lines and did...well,f* all to contribute to...f* in the blizzard his shirt has room for cleavage, but no one else does. It's for, really? And they tried to do ati some useless paternal connection for ati he likes children, but it was oh so weak) and a guy flick (there were girls with useless unnecessary - necessary to the guys, I guess - cleavage, and slits, and of course Milla's leather nininini, and bombs, and COOL explosions, and grotesque monsters - one of whom really reminded me of Lizard (Reptile?) in Spidey, or a grolm in WOT).

*so there's this time they are running away from a monster and then the trained assassins with huge guns only think to start shooting at the animal mutant when Milla tells them to. REALLY? Trained bad guys? With guns larger than their arms? REALLY???...also, the Phantom and Porsche were a nice - and obvious - touch.

So yay to the soundtrack and the butt-kicking, and effects, nay for the weak script and acting (enyewe I've stressed on that script. Utajuaje mi ni scriptwriter.), basically. And there were some ka-loose plot points, but...whatever. Also, I never trusted that toi...but it's not my movie (but I mean, who trusts tois? And WHY?? I may be biased here...). I give it a weak 2 and a half. Just know what you're going to watch it for...(i.e...not the script. In case you hadn't gathered.)


p.s. Total Recall is next, seeing as I have seen NO reviews on this movie, as in. ARGH, still haven't caught Nairobi Half Life...


  1. Me likes this review. Not sure why as it tells me nothing about the movie but also everything I need to know about it but the important question is this...what is a grolm. Ni what? And what does WOT stand for? Whispers On Trees? Water Overflows Totally? What Other Trousers? Wewe Ogada Toka! Wail Out Tragically? We Own Thistown? Wambui Otieno Traders? What? What? What's WOT?

    1. Teehee. A review is not suppoosed to spoil yawa. It is what I liked and didn't like...etc. Grolms are from the Wheel Of Time fantasy series by Robert Jordan who I LOVE and are '...animals used by the Seanchan; they are the size of large bears, only with the gray green coloration and skin texture of very tough frogs. Like the torm, they have three eyes. Their diet consists of whatever is at hand, including their own dead.' For more info, go to And you're funny. :o)

  2. lol!! Ndiransh has made me happy. and what do you mean a review is not supposed to spoil after you rate it 2.5??

    1. As in I am not supposed to give away key plot I don't say what happened at the end but I can talk about Boris Kodjoe's man cleavage...