I feel like I'm in an unusual place in my life,a place of absolute confusion hidden in semi-clarity,which I realize makes almost no sense except to me,and actually,probably more people,because,yeah,thanks Solomon,there is nothing new under the sun,etc,bla bla bla. Point is,it's strange to me. I feel like I've become this person I don't recognize,yet always wanted to be,and there was a part of my subconscious that always knew we (schizo,much) were headed here,but never admitted it,even to myself.
It feels like I'm looking inward and finding things that I never knew I had and may not even find. That scary moment when you look in the mirror when you realize you're a coward. Or a bitch. Or someone who has responsibilities; like. You know. An adult. It's freakin scary but thrilling. Bills,but freedom. Change,but growth. Confusion,but clarity.
When you look at your childhood and see how few friends from them still remain. Or how naive you used to be. Or how your dreams have changed. And how much more is going to change that you don't know,both what you can and can't or can and should and maybe won't choose to control. Wondering whether you've been acting,like someone who you really aren't,purporting to be a version of yourself that is a lie. Maintaining this lie; biting off more than you can chew to keep up the charade of semi-truth. Wondering how to reverse it; or own it; or better it. Deciding who to lie to henceforth; wondering if there is a place to just be,without condescension,criticism,but above all else (if,indeed,they must exist),with no fear.