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Saturday, September 1, 2012

Post-adolescence?

I feel like I'm in an unusual place in my life,a place of absolute confusion hidden in semi-clarity,which I realize makes almost no sense except to me,and actually,probably more people,because,yeah,thanks Solomon,there is nothing new under the sun,etc,bla bla bla. Point is,it's strange to me. I feel like I've become this person I don't recognize,yet always wanted to be,and there was a part of my subconscious that always knew we (schizo,much) were headed here,but never admitted it,even to myself.

It feels like I'm looking inward and finding things that I never knew I had and may not even find. That scary moment when you look in the mirror when you realize you're a coward. Or a bitch. Or someone who has responsibilities; like. You know. An adult. It's freakin scary but thrilling. Bills,but freedom. Change,but growth. Confusion,but clarity.

When you look at your childhood and see how few friends from them still remain. Or how naive you used to be. Or how your dreams have changed. And how much more is going to change that you don't know,both what you can and can't or can and should and maybe won't choose to control. Wondering whether you've been acting,like someone who you really aren't,purporting to be a version of yourself that is a lie. Maintaining this lie; biting off more than you can chew to keep up the charade of semi-truth. Wondering how to reverse it; or own it; or better it. Deciding who to lie to henceforth; wondering if there is a place to just be,without condescension,criticism,but above all else (if,indeed,they must exist),with no fear.

Wondering.

tSN

10 comments:

  1. Yea! That is L.I.F.E for you. It takes you on a journey that u never signed up for.

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  2. What kind of vacation did you take exactly. Jeez! Anyways, finding yourself is always fun. Not when you're doing it, but later, when the dust has settled. And the trauma of the process buried deep in the psyche. Have fun....

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  3. Change passes, truth remains. Wonder away, and never stop!

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  4. Oy! I know of a place such as you describe, where you can be, or not be depending on what you may or may not want ... a place to be found on an archipelago on the coast of East Africa!

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  5. I thought I was losing my mind until I read this post. Nothing seems to make much sense,I even forget how important finishing school work on time is, or how important it is to report to work ontime.You guy, I was asleep at 7.15am when work starts at 7am and a 45 mins drive. Total confusion coz at the same time, I know I'll be a millionare.What?How?Semi-truth.

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