food/love/life/film

Sunday, January 30, 2011

More explicit stuff. You've been warned,especially if you're male. Unless you're a male supermarket attendant.

Hey ladies/hey ladies/wanna ride in my Mercedes? Then SHAKE THAT HEALTHY BUTT!

Love me some Sir Mix-A-Lot. I like big butts,and I cannot lie.

First off,let me begin by wishing me and everyone else on their period HAPPY NO-MOTHERS DAY. Tis a joyful one that comes each month,particularly joyful when thou knowest that thou may have been engaging in activities that may have possibly led to parenthood. Rejoice!

I woke up to the sound of my own mother telling me frightful things. I groggily remember a 'wake up!' and 'cook!' The horror shocked me out of bed. I came downstairs to do dishes and peel sweet potatoes.

I didn't know that sweet potatoes go green when you peel them. I did not know this because I do not cook. It was interesting,this colorful-ha-yet monochromatic phenomenon. They were obviously jealous that I had clothing and they were being stripped of theirs. Neenerneenerneeeeeeenerrrrr. :p

My finger was rubbing against the potatoes a lot so I scraped off some skin. At this point I was aggravated. I was being forced to pretend to know how to cook,suffered from loss of dermis,and still had a deadline to hand in stuff in kedo 3 hours. Then I remembered I had to go into town because cybers don't open on Sunday except in the CBD. Great! Goodbye afternoon nap. Which therefore resulted in me making @queenmoraa and @arungaian wait. I hate keeping people waiting,possibly more than when people keep me waiting. In typical no-blood fashion,no underwear was worn with my pristine white shorts.

I get to Yaya and start cramping. I wasn't rolling at this point-in fact,wasn't supposed to be for at least another 36 hours-so these abdominal agonies were a mystery. I said '@queenmoraa,WHY?' @queenmoraa said, 'Tampons.' In we go to the supermarket leaving an uncomfortable @arungaian outside.

Next to the pads section,there are no tampons. More shock. We ask an attendant. He doesn't know what I'm talking about.

FOR SHAME. 2011? SUPERMARKET ATTENDANT? For. SHAME.

He refers us to a less shameful attendant who says they're next to the counter. Who the hell is in charge of this organization thing? Probably Mr. Ignorant over there.

They're not there. We look around and finally notice them in the locked glass cabinet next to the propane and padlocks. Yeah,because tampons are weapons for world domination/prison security/arson. *smh*

We pay and proceed to the bathroom so I can self-gratify but not with a cotton dildo. In the process,I burst out laughing. Why? Because the finger I used was the sweet potato finger. The one with the scraped skin. Now exposed to juices that were serving as sijui antiseptic. FUN STUFF. Instead of sucking wounds,just shove them into... (but what if it's on your elbow,you ask? You're on your own,kid.) The situation was funny to me. So I laughed. And Ann wondered exactly what was going where.

Moral of the story? THIS is why I don't cook.

tSN

15 comments:

  1. Holy crap! why you gon lay your bidness out like that!
    ION...THIS is why in 2011, Kenyan tampons should have applicators!SMH!

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  2. No,this is why I DON'T COOK. Lol. :o)

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  3. Hahahahaha! Most hilarious read, yet :-)

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  4. I really really should have heeded that warning. *waves fist in air* Curse the natural rebel inside me.

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  5. why is it even when warning is written or hazardous most just want to know how dangerous, i was reading your post while eating as a dude i nearly passed out, but i perseved to the end(theme music-eye of the tiger).
    I will officially keep away from any post with warning towards men, psych i more curious than the cat thus dont think any dude who reads this post should be affected by such info, just make sure you drink some alcohol afterwards.

    like damn *2 you have effectively promoted abstinence

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  6. DEN. DENDENDEN. DENDENDEN. DENDENDEEEEEEN. :D

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  7. DEN. DENDENDEN. DENDENDEN. DENDENDEEEEEEN. :D

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  8. azin...abi u KILL me- i love ur stuff!!!!

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  9. Lovely, just what I needed to go with my cuppa this morning...

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  10. Its been so long since i was on here wondering where i should begin. Should we blame your mother? I shall at the point where you began describing bodily functions with the vividity of the sunrise. *choke*

    Well written, i have stored you in my reader and shall be ogling you from time to time.

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  11. i will not have ngwashes at your house, ever!

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    All you need to do is to open an account on AdscendMedia and use their Content Locking plugin.

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