FOOD FRIDAYS: STEERS IS SHIT

The beginning pretty much summarizes everything I feel about Steers. Their only positive note is that they have pickles in their burgers.

Their service sucks. Their burgers are tiny. The two times I have eaten there in the past month, the fries were raw. They don't have salt; they won't give me water instead of soda (thanks for the high blood pressure, I'll have a side of cholesterol to go with it), the seats are old and battered, the pictures of brightly smiling white people are oh-so-nineties, and what I feel is the worst: the false advertising: THE BURGERS LOOK NOTHING LIKE THE PICTURES.

Never again, punkasses. Never again.

HALLELUJAH!

What everyone wishes for has just happened to me, good people. I GOT PAID MID MONTH! And oooooh, the jooooooy that fills my soul! It was looking grim for a quick minute there, good people, but now Ndiransh can come for his 40 bob, ad we can all be happy, see? (say in Al Capone voice)

Yes, the people who owe me money still owe me money, BUT I GOT PAID! You know that excitement for getting paid when you can darken Java's doors again? And you start turning Art Caffe's menu over in your head? (Because as much as you would like to get other philanthropic souls to pay your bill, you're an independent woman, and independent women don't like to sell their souls for a strawberry daquiri. Although, come to think of it, it's not too bad a trade.)

Although this is going to bode ill for my spending this month, simply because we are so close to end month again. Yes mummy, I'll try not to spend it all in one day. (damnit I have to pay for their internet. THE MORE MONEY WE COME ACROSS THE MORE PROBLEMS WE SEE. Lol. Not that parents are problems...just that...never mind)

I have not done my Iron Man 3 blogpost, but I will soon (stop side-eyeing me, Ndiransh) as soon as I have watched Fright Night, which I downloaded on your recommendation, Njihia. Who loves torrents? I DO. Not that this is an admission. Just a statement that I love them. Not that I use them. Who, me? (yes you couldn't be then who) They're just nice to look at. (I am seeing that old school FBI warning on copyright playing in my head. Y'all remember that? Back when we used to watch movies on a VCR?)

Isn't it dandy that IMAX has insisted on continuing their tomfoolery and increased their movie prices to a k? (as I find out the day I am paid, too) Yup. 1000 bob. Not sure if it is just for Star Trek: into Darkness and Man of Steel, but they seem the type to persist in idiocy. These folks think I can't go back to 3 sock movie at Sarit. Oh, I can and I will. Where do you think I watched Oblivion and The Croods?

*drops mic*

tSN

P.s. ahahahahaha. @photosynth15 on Twitter has just commented to me how we should get Boniface Mwangi to do a protest with folks...halafu we all carry tapes (video cassettes, to you young ones) and wave them valiantly in the air. LOL. Maybe rip out the tape as a symbol of defiance? Pretend it's blood? Too soon? Pahahahahahahahahaahahhahahaha

LOVERS AND FRIENDS

My friend owes me money, and it's breaking my heart.

Several of my friends have been doing that lately; the breaking heart thing. Your momma told you about boys, but did she tell you about friends?

I know, I know. I shouldn't have lent her money in the first place. But...she was my friend (i.e. I was not going to make her sign a contract. I should start that). And I figured I could always start selling her sh* if she defaulted, one microwave at a time.

It's been 2 years.

I don't even know if we are still friends anymore. I mean, sure, we tweet, but that is the extent of our relationship. I thought we were tight, you know? But friends don't do friends like that, do they? It feels like a freakin breakup, except I want to bash her face in. Oh, wait. It feels exactly like a breakup. Lol.

They say money ruins friendships, but it's not even about the money (ha! YES IT IS! B* WHERE'S MY MONEYYYY???). It's a lot to do with betrayal. I even wrote poetry, yo. Bad poetry, but better than the drivel I've been churning out lately. I almost wished she had kissed Wolverine instead. (HAHAHAHAHA NO I DON'T. These things I keep saying. Forgive me, I am driven mad by grief.)

Options:
1. Find a guy who knows a guy to relocate her kneecaps
2. Keep calling her and hope she stops avoiding me
3. Fuhgeddaboutit.
4. ...

What do you guys do when people owe you money and you can't get it back? Kwanza my landlord from 2 years ago has shikiliad with half of my deposit because I gave him a week's notice (because his house was crap and I needed to move asap). Who. DOES that?

Don't say Kenyans. Me I don't.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO??
(when you...are far...away...and I...am blue...what do I do)

tSN

MTV ALL STARS NININI

So, because jobs are fun, I got to go check out MTV ALL STARS AFRICA...ninio. Y'all know what I'm talking about, don't be fronting. It was pretty cool, though. Crowded as all hell, started late...but cool. They are trying to promote the district of Kwa Zulu Natal in SA as a tourist party spot, so they had a bunch of SA artists as well, halafu wanaenda Lagos, halafu SA.

Picture time!

I did not get a pic of Emukule...who was the MC...who remains foxy as ever... *gets carried away* but I did get a few performances...



I love this girl! She's just...cool. And she has had a baby. And she can SPIT. RHYMES. Like legit, not in the I'm-a-girl-and-I-can-rap-teehee Rah Digga way. Ako na malines. And she was wearing Tims and fishnet stockings. I was starstruck vibaya.



The last time I bothered to watch Camp Mulla perform were TPF4 sijui and they really, really, sucked. But with this particular performance, I think they managed to redeem themselves. And they ended with Party Don't Stop, which I still think is my favourite hit...all was well that ended well. :D Still think Karun has no stage presence whatsoever, but she sings like an angel, so it's fine.



P-Unit! To me, a million times better than any other units around. I love these boys. I do. Also, they have a techno jam (sijui house sijui -I am not good at those ninios) that they are going to make me like simply because it is them...I mean, listen to these boys. What's not to like? What's not to love? FRAAASHAAA!!

tSN

p.s. Let me know if the videos play...
p.p.s. Really digging my phone right now.
p.p.p.s. Kanda also performed (is that his name? The guy in the Coke ad?) and he had a white chick for a dance who was, get this, outshining the black one. He! And STL has a new hypeman. Who I don't like. But she can be as bad as she wants to be, right?

Film: Oz, Hansel and Gretel and The Lost Boys

Movie folk are out of things to make movies about. So they are going to oh,look! A fairy tale that has not been made yet/it's been made, but we'll do it better/flip the script! I liked Oz, because I like fairy tales, and I read Wicked (which I did not like, but I read because a flip is always fun). I liked James Franco; he played the part of a conman well, right down to his facial expressions, lack of scruples and weird, sleazy smile. It was pretty. Like Mila Kunis! Yaas! And who cannot like a movie with Zach Braff in it? The twists and lessons were fun too. But those baboons, yo. It gets a 3.



I should have written this immediately after I watched it, and I didn't. There is a key plot element I am missing here, but since this is not that spoiler kinda blog, we can live without it. This movie had Jeremy Renner, so of course I was going to watch it. I was a tad hesitant about the chick, but they made her look sufficiently badass. I think they made this movie just to make it though, like, oh, we want a boy, and a girl, and really gross looking witches, whoop! Legooo! And also proving my point of no movies left to make. (But those witches, yo.) This is a 2 and a half. Also...don't walk into houses made of candy. (whether this is a euphemism or not, I will leave you to decide)

And now, for our old movie of the week:



The Lost Boys.
'Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die.
It's fun to be a vampire.'

With a tagline that is way too long. Kiefer Sutherland ametoka mba? Ametoka mbali. This flick comprises of a bunch of boys who were the child stars of their time, like Kiefer, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman (who was implicated in the Michael Jackson dramas and so I automatically do not like) and Jason Patric (who ran away with one of his co-stars fiancees the day before the wedding. Or something). There is also a fun surprise appearance by Edward Shermann, the grandad in Gilmore Girls. Yup, his past was vampire movies (aki Jack Bauer...) I found the story weak and contrived, it took too long to get started, and don't get ME started on the special effects. To be fair, it is an old movie...and supposedly a classic...I don't see it. I was not sure if it was supposed to be a classic, or a classic comedy. The one saving grace is the kid who acts as Jason Patric's small bro; he was pretty funny, and pretty good. It gets a 2 from me.

That's all, folks!

tSN

The Sweet, The Sour and Shower Hour: Listerine and I

No pictures today folks; just fade in on a girl who recently discovered that truth is not something anyone wants to know. But everyone knew that, right? How often is it that the thing you want and the thing you get are the same thing; and even more often, how often is it that you still want it after?

Listerine and I started an unassuming relationship. He knew my past, and I knew none of his; how his friend, The Dentist, had ended our torrid and abusive love affair; promises of lollipops and shiny whites would not, could not keep me anymore. With that, I said goodbye to the side dishes as well (Sir Soda and Papa Popcorn) - no one likes a guy who is way too sweet (sickly! Too good to be true. Don't get me started on cotton candy) or one who just can't let go.

I should have found out more. I should have asked him more, talked to my friends - Mirroron D. Wall and Misinque (she has dreams of being a doowop singer - ask me no questions I tell her no lies), but before I knew it he had me vulnerable. Naked. Open. And he had me.

I hated the first taste. I couldn't take it. What was this? What was I getting into? I read his eyes again; no plaque, he said with a smile. No more bad breath. No more? I cried. Did I have it before? Smiling still he said nothing, pouring the poison down my throat. 30 seconds of gargling? Who does that? What masochist follows through without regret and washing out with water immediately after? Thus defeating the purpose, he reassured me. No pain no gain, he purred. Trust me.

And so here I am. Scared of being a weakling, I took the yellow way out and keep coming back for more. I can't help it. Fake it till you make it, you know. Maybe one day, I'll even do forty seconds, who knows. Thing is, I faced the truth, the truth I didn't really want to know but had to find out someday; I'm a coward, and that frightens me more than any old Listerine could. I have to prove myself wrong, right? I can't be all coward...right?

If you can't tell, I'm in the middle of Smash Season 2 after a week long marathon. There was a song after every paragraph.

tSN

Film: Gangster Squad, Jack Reacher and Can't Buy Me Love

GANGSTER SQUAD! (HIYAAAH!)

I think Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone could be the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks of our generation, and it is something that I am, really, excited about, goush. (Although I have heard rumours that she is with Andrew Garfield, who I love too, so...how's a girl to choose?) Once again (after Crazy Stupid Love, which was oodles funnier than I thought it would be) they team up in this raw old school cop movie, which stars Josh Brolin (I was really waiting to see what he was going to do after Men In Black 3) and Sean Penn (flawless) and a really cute black guy who I have never seen called Andrew Markie (ask me no questions, I tell you no lies). Gangs, shootings, brilliance. A strong 3 and a half. (tip: don't watch it after watching Django - any QT movie, really - or right before you sleep, if you're sleeping alone. It's a smidge gory, a smidge scary.)



I loved it! It watched like an old detective novel, straightforward, no frills, no machines, no fancy schmancy Mission Impossible-y (see what I did there?) effects. (Maybe you do not know what I did here because you do not know Tom Cruise is in it. if you did not look at the poster). Ex Army in classic whodunit story. Gets a 3, but only because the heroine was so useless, and if we don't make a heroine, who will? (DETTOL WILL. DETTOL CAN DO ANYTHING.)



And now to end with a classic not-cop movie: Can't Buy Me Love. Ah, folks, they don't make things like they used to. Not movies, not music, not Mint chocs, not free and fair elections - and not Patrick Dempsey (ie hot movie stars who were child actors and didn't have to go to rehab. Botox, we can take.), who stars in this when her was a young tot (20ish). This is a 1987 teen cult classic, a la Clueless (LOVE) and She's All That (like, but oh my, Freddie Prinze Jr.!) set up when a geek buys a girlfriend in a quest for popularity, and discovers that popularity...come on. Finish the sentence. We all did 8-4-4. We are all chock full of cliches. No? Not all? Ok, fine. '...is not all it's cut out to be.' I enjoyed it, but let me tell you, when McDreamy Jr. came on and I was looking at the billing as I watched, and it said Patrick Dempsey, I was like, I know that name, I know it, I know it...and I had to click on the link to his name to remember. Ei, watu wametoka mbali. Also, whatever happened to Amanda Peterson? It gets a 5. Come on. It's a classic.

Buy me looove...money can't buy me love...

tSN

P.S. R.I.P., Lou Meyers. You made up a great many fond memories of my childhood.