Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Couples Therapy

OMG guys. Sooooo bored at work.
May fall asleep mid post.


So Wolverine and I got a spa thingy thing that entailed a massage for an hour.
First of all, I don't like massages. I don't get them. I think they are painful and slightly unnecessary, and if you do not have an injury, then they will cause one. No?

So we get into the spa, and get into the disposable underwear that they give you when they want to let you keep your sensibilities hidden. W couldn't believe that they didn't have disposable boxers. He was like...'you know, chicks are used to this. This feels weird for me. Maybe they gave me the wrong ones? Maybe they gave me the chick ones.'

His robe also seemed to belong in the female department. It was, like short, and didn't wrap around his entire body.
I think it was a conspiracy. They saw his muscles and wanted more.

We get onto the bed things with the calming music playing et al and they push down our robes to RIGHT WHERE THE BUTT CRACK HAS ALREADY BEGUN. I'm like...what was the point of the underwear? And are they looking at his butt crack too?

Then the massage begins and it's I expected...and then all of a sudden...I get this intense desire to fart.

I can't fart now, right? I mean, the smell will intermingle with the ginger sijui eucalyptus in the air and then people will definitely notice the new addition.
So like a good girl, I hold it in.

Then, the girl who's giving me the massage? Her tummy growls, and I start inventing a life for her, like, oh, poor thing, giving a massage at lunch time, she must be so hungry...

Then I lose focus and I know. The Kraken.

It was a tiny one to be fair. Didn't even stink. But I was MORTIFIED. I mean, the room was silent, and she must have noticed.
What was I supposed to do? Apologize? Ignore it? Burst out laughing? Stalk out?

I tried to tell myself that people must do it all the time, right? Coz they get so relaxed, apparently, that everything - literally - just lets go, right? It's probably a sign that they did good, right?


She kept asking if I was comfortable. I was wondering if it was code for YOU FLATULENT HEIFER!

When we were leaving, she asked me how it was. I said 'OMG SO GREAT! I TOTES FELL ASLEEP!'
In my head, she would construe that as I farted in my sleep, not on purpose.



  1. hahaha this is so funny ;) reminded me of the 'beans are not for astronauts' ad...i think the lady was just courteous n held her breath lol!

  2. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I denounce you!!!!

    1. Don't leave me now, darling!
      Not when I need you most!

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