Thursday, May 22, 2014

Film: Endless Love

Look, it wasn't my choice to revive this section of the blog with a flimsy flick such as this.

Ok, I guess it was, because it's my blog.

But those are just details. Aaaanyhue...

Ati Say Goodbye To Innocence. Say goodbye to all those minutes you'll never get back, especially because you clogged them up with this cheesy ridiculousness.
Like I said, flimsy flick. Oh, teenagers, oh forbidden love, oh they both have a shadowed past, ooooh, he shows her how to live again, bla bla bla snore.
It kept getting me to the point where I thought I was going to cry, but it wasn't enough of a tear jerker to take me all the way, you know? Except like at the EEEEEND, and that scene wasn't even about the main characters. What I'm saying is, I have Movie Tear Blue Balls. They owed me, what with the sappy title. They promised me things. Ugh, I should have known. #AlexPettyfer (he was in Beastly, which I don't know how anyone who was in it didn't run away screaming from its idiocy. Yes, that includes you, Neil Patrick Harris. For SHAME.)

Don't bother with this unless you like silly sappiness that goes beyond the point of being fun. It gets like a 1 and a half.
Oh, but there IS one seriously funny dude in it - the only black guy, a chap called Dayo Okeniyi, who, as it turns out, was in Hunger Games (Thresh) and is a) half Nigerian and half-Kenyan (it was only a matter of time before these two made strongjawed lovebabies, no?) and b) is going to be in Terminator Genesis. You Kenyans. Just TAAAAAKING over.

(but not, in the cinema. For this movie. Get out. Out out out.)


Wednesday, May 14, 2014


I sometimes buy things - ok, I like to pretend I buy things a lot based on advertisements. The things in my house are there because I have been buying them for years, not because of their adverts. But, if I WAS buying things based on their adverts, then I would be...buying things based on NICE adverts.

Just an example: Nice adverts are anything that was made before CD-ROMS (haha) like the MILO Champion advert, the Tusker Baada ya Kazi advert (oohlalala oohlalala oohlalala oohlalalaOOH) and the Knorr soup advert (which I actually don't remember ever watching. knows?)

BAD adverts are the one like the Indomie advert (um...seriously??), the Safaricom watching sijui football on your phone in the middle of nowhere advert (because seriously. WHO does that? LIKE THAT? Aki and they have money) and that ATROCIOOUS Soko Ugali Malaika mash up.

Now that that's out of the way.

I busted the conspiracy. The only reason why Doom (probably) sells more is because yes, it is a trusted brand that has been there for years, but also because its ads are (kinda) funny. Louis the Pest is practically a historical character and should be written down in Kenyan chronicles next to Tusker and Nyamabite.

Also, when agencies are advertising, even if they are the monopoly (#EABL), they still have to consistently remind you that they exist so that you keep buying them - whether you are going to buy them anyway or not (a la Safaricom's super emotional commercials. To be fair...I get super emotional about my network services. And whatsapp. And bundles. Basically, if I had a lighter...).

But Doom is NOT a monopoly. There are a lot of other pesticides to kill insects with. Like Bolt - terrible advertisement with that chick of Tahidi High, ei, sema downgrade, Baygon (which everyone forgot exists. Do they even still make it??) and...other ones. But the one I found the other day (YES, I KNOW IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE) is RAID.

Now. Raid, I believe, is to Doom what the Daily Nation was to the Standard when they started out. Doom was the first one, the shiny one, the new kid on the block. Then it became the old not-hip-with-it man on the block. Then Nation popped up and haemorrhaged money until they were at the top. TA-DA! (Don't go to school kids, grab the nearest millionaire)

Raid is at the stage where people (i.e. ME) are slowly starting to discover that DOOM IS A LIE and RAID IS THE TRUTH. Sure, they don't advertise much. BUT IT WORKS.
It's time for Raid to rise from the ashes. I'll be here spreading the gospel.

Don't worry, Raid. I gotchu.

Friday, May 2, 2014

The D

It would seem that budgeting stays being a problem for my unemployed (yet perfectly happy soul).

Why, just yesterday was a holiday, and I spent it doing exactly what I would do most days anyway.
Every day is a holiday in my life, and I love it.
I can do pretty much what I want (except for those things that I have to do to pay the rent. But really, everything is a choice, right? If you don't want to pay the rent, you don't have to. Like I always say, the only things you have to do are stay black and die, unless you're Michael Jackson or Jesus), which, I might add, involves a LOT of sleep, because, guys, like 50% of the reason I quit is because of my deeply focused need to sleep.

I get cranky if I don't get at least 8 hours, and even then, it depends on, like, the weather, to see if I will actually make it through. 10 hours is optimum.

So back to budgeting. What happened was, I had this phone that I bought in Dec '12 (that feels like it was like 3 years ago. Or something. Why is time moving so fast? How are we already in MAY, guise?). From day ONE it was giving me drama, but I was so excited about my transition into the symbian world (yes, that is when I was transitioning. I'm an emotional hoarder. Sue me.) that I didn't care. I was all 'Oh GLORY! I'm on WHATSAPP! I MATTER!'. Much like everyone at the start of a semi-abusive pseudo-fulfilling relationship.

On we went until the phone just decided, by the way, zi. It was a Nokia, right? And in my head, they still make Nokias like they used to. So no matter how many times I dropped it, wherever I dropped it (that's a story for another day), it would still come back alive. Kicking, maybe not so much. I mean, sure, sometimes it would hang. Ok, most times. And sure, he needed about 5 minutes to get up and running. (:D) But I was fine with that. I was a patient lover, and if my lover was getting senile, all it meant was that I could officially change his will and get all his loot, amirite?

Then, suddenly, letters stopped working. Many letters. Like, the backspace button, the enter button, the w, the p, the s, the x, the shift button for capitalizing...lemme tell you, my messages started looking like coder language (is that what it's called? my major WASN'T IT, can you tell?). My Ws became double vs (vv), my Ss became $, all in the interest of trying to get creative enough to get the message across. I mean, imagine writing this sentence without all those letters.:

imagine vvriting thi$ $entence vvithout all tho$e letters (and you can't make a mistake, because every time you do, you have to start over. DUDE.)

I knew it was over. Especially when I couldn't do one of my favourite smileys:

Because I couldn't shift (capitalize) my d.
And that D is very important to me.

It was time for a breakup.
The upgrade was a sleek Sony that I just couldn't get my hands around - no, really. This smart phone tomfoolery is irritating. I don't like the little buzz it makes when you press the screen. I don't like the silence, either. I wan't the CLICK, damnit. A KEYPAD. I don't like auto correct. I have big fingers so I stay pressing 4 letters. WHERE ARE THE FUNCTIONAL SMART PHONES WITH A TOUCH SCREEN AND A QWERTY KEYPAD?...and an 8 MP camera, and your answer is, for 6 million dollars, nowhere. The Sony had its own dramas (like a tiny, slow memory...I stay picking the senile ones. But that may have been as a result of what I think was a virus in the mem card), so that was eventually ditched for a Tecno, and now, I can smile again. My wallet isn't smiling too hard though, because there go all my Art Caffe dates (this, apparently, was the point of this post. Go figure.) Let's see how long this will last...

:D :D :D