Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Office...guess. Guess.

Do y'all watch Happy Endings?

Not the porno.


The series with the ever present gay dude who's hilarious (and actually straight in real life) and Damon Wayans Jr., in all his hot glory.

That one.

So chick who is married to Damon Jr. has a Work Husband. And what are office polootics without a work crush?

So...this dude. Let's call him Pepe.

I think he's bipolar (in the joking bitch-you-crazy kinda way). He's very mercurial in his temperament - like one day he'll be all up in it, the next, he doesn't know you, etc. But he's cute. So I've been letting a lot of his shit pass.

It feels a lot like high school. The jiving, the being rude and sarcastic thing with people you may or may not want to make out with know...Wolverine.

And in my office, it's complicated to have just a crush. There always has to be a heifer involved to kill your vibe.

The particular heifer (let's pretend we are in high school and call her Queen Bee) has been staaaank-eyeing me since the minute I walked in.

I don't understand mamas (yeah, yeah, I know). I mean, this chile is pretty hot. She looks good - all the time - which means salon time and manis, none of which I am even remotely interested in. You can tell her outfits are carefully planned, down to the hairpins, and she walks like she knows it, and you know she knows that you can tell that she knows you know it. Know what I mean?

Anyhue. So QB doesn't talk to anyone except my Work Husband (who, doesn't know he's my Work Husband. So, he's my Work Stalkee. Same difference, really). Well, no, that's not true. She talks to everyone except me. And it's not because I am the new girl. It's because she knows I'm digging Pepe's lips (also a high school phrase which means you want to do something with someone's lips).

I think I'll laugh extra loud tomorrow just to piss her off. Then I'll know that she knows that I'm laughing because I know...and because she's a raging snob, she won't do anything about it.

I swear, jobo is like a soap.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Office Polootics 2

You can say all you want to say about Sheldon Cooper, but at least he is honest.

At least you would never think that Sheldon is being disingenuous, or doing something to please other people, or something he didn't want to do...everything about Sheldon is an open and mildly annoying book.

I would never date him, but we could definitely be his friend (if I did not kill him first).

You have to admire a guy who is honest with himself and others aaaall the time. I wish I could do that, especially with my parents, LOL, but this ain't America. Or a sitcom with Vanity Cards at the end. (How much do we love Chuck Lorre??)

Why, if Sheldon was in my office, he would be super unpopular.
I want to be super unpopular!

Let me tell you why.

So this chile in the office is getting married. Whoop de do for you.

So then the office is supposedly required to changia for her.

But...but why?

I don't like weddings. There was a time in the distant past that I did, but now, no. They are like babies - too loud, too expensive, and leave you with debt to your ears. Why do it in the first place? Especially if you can't afford it.

And if you still insist that you want one, si you have a cheap one?

If you can't have a cheap one, Google Maps has the directions to the AGs office, meyyn.

If you have to ask your office mates to help can't afford it.

Also, why are you asking your office mates? Are you an orphan? Do I look like your BFF?

Might I add here that I almost said no to being one of my actual BFFs best maid?
I really don't like weddings.
If someone is NOT your BFF...WHY would you ask them?
Might as well take one to the guy at the duka as well, no?
And the chile at the super...
Don't forget your bank cashier (who probably knows you way better than I is a deep relationship)...

So the office is supposed to take up a section of the budget.
This budget is pretty cheap for a wedding (YAY) but almost 90% is unpaid (boo).
The deadline for pay is halfway through the month.
This wedding is not happening. Unless the office peeps were the first resort.
If the office takes up flowers, from what I saw, that's the only thing that is going to be there.

So then a heifer (not the Bride-Bila-Wedding) is coming around with a sheet. I say I am not giving. She asks me why.

Are you KIDDING me right now?
Are you actually asking me for a reason WHY I am not giving you my money?
Are you my mother/sperm donor/father of my children/the Lord?

You guise...this office. I'ma pull a Sheldon.
Real soon.
Real quick.