food/love/life/film

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Onion Conspiracy

So, I am cooking again.

There must be a full moon out. *looks at hands* WHO AM I???!!

This is not about what I cooked. (although, if you must know, it's spaghetti and mince meat) (no, I do NOT always cook spaghetti. It's just...everytime I blog, I make spaghetti. WHADDAYA WANT FROM ME??!!) It is about the process. It is about...the ONIONS.

Onions are crafty little buggers who think they are cool. And they are NOT! They are in fact, very hot. Very opposite of cool. They are those hot little high school mamas with the shortened skirts and the relaxed hair who are wajuajis about everything (especially the birds and the bees) but they are the variety that HAVE NO SUBSTANCE. Mhm. Yeah, I said it. Someone once told me that you can never have too many onions in anything. Why? THEY ARE THAT UNIMPORTANT. *breathe* I mean, how many LAYERS does one onion have to HAVE?? They think they are human, trying to be all mysterious and unassuming, revealing a new facet of their extraordinary selves *runs to check stuff is not burning* *hurries back* with every peel? Nuh uh. I am here to tell you, Onions Of The World. Y'all ain't no OYSTERS. There ain't no pearls hidden in your depths/layers. You are ONIONS. You hurt people (and attack their eyeballs with a brutal force that is reminiscent of Emperor Nero - no announcement, but no incest either, kthanksbye). No one wants to touch you. And when you stop bullying people in high school, you will see that you do not have any friends.

Where it's really at is the tomato centre, yo. Tomatoes, my little onion friends (or, like, NOT), are the cool kids in high school who were so cool but no one really knew why, you dig? They were non-conformists (is it a fruit? Is it a vegetable? Will they ever catch Sheep? Now THERE'S mystery for you) and as is illustrated in the bracket, DID NOT STICK TO LABELLING. They went on to become mega-rich in some field like video...game...composition, or, like, blogging. :D When they enter a sufuria, everyone just chills, you know? They're like, mellow. They don't have to prove themselves with sharp flavours and acerbic...acerbicity. Onions are trying to kill you because they want all the spotlight. Tomatoes are everyone's friend (can't have too many tomatoes), like a whore, but cool and healthy.

It's a conspiracy.

*sniffs to see if something is burning*

tSN

p.s. I rediscovered Cake! They make me laugh. That lead singer sounds like he is on the same drugs that Loon used to be on...the ones that make you too chill to talk fast, you know? Their version of I will survive...pahahahaha

13 comments:

  1. I'm impressed that you're practising your cooking skills :-) Interesting view of society though. Very interesting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why the phrase is TOMATO, TOMATO, not ONION ONION. LOL.

      Delete
  2. You were really in the zone with this one... in between the stinging tears from the onions...Very very good post...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mean lil' buggers. Thank you and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? (a la Rihanna lol)

      Delete
    2. I've been everywhere, a la Johnny Cash :)

      Delete
  3. This made me laugh! Picking a fight with onions, really??. Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Finally!!!!!!!
    *This is just a celebratory comment, after doing a lot of capchas...and verifying a lot of things*

    I will be back.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Okay...now why is there a number 39 after my name?

    what is going on ABBY!

    ReplyDelete