Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Holding out for a hero

I love superheroes. The general idea, anyway, that someone is going to save the world from itself, champion the rights of the downtrodden and look really hot doing it at the same time. Someone should really think of making superheroes poster people for deodorants. I’m just saying, all that flying around can’t be sweat-free. Especially when they’re doing it ensconced in leather. But really – how did that whole our-cool-costumes-consist-of-wearing-underwear-over-mantights happen?...

My personal favorite is Batman. He’s so cool!!! I don’t like Christian Bale as him though. I don’t think he captures the true Batman spirit. Compared to the past Batmans (IcyHot Val Kilmer, Suave and EverSexy George Clooney and the timeless Michael Keaton), he kinda pales. WHAT’S WITH THAT VOICE. Ugh. But anyway. He’s my favorite because he could actually happen (I know, I know). You know they actually have built Batman’s car? He didn’t have to sijui be born on an alien planet or bitten by a radioactive whatever to be super. No offence to the above-implied heroes.

Has anyone ever noticed how the stories behind the superhero tend to somehow follow the same general pattern? And then usually they don’t know until some ‘major’ event takes place in their lives (bitten by a radioactive spider/getting really, really pissed/watching some form of human injustice/parents dying/you being blind/being sent an ancient scroll that maps out your destiny/being absorbed into a computer and having your DNA reconfigured/you get the picture) So this is article can also be retitled ‘How to tell if you’re a superhero.’

1. You have some form of martial arts training. Any form, really. Coincidentally bestowed upon you while you were bonding with your father.
2. Your parents are probably dead. Yeah, I know how that sounds. But someone please show me a superhero who still has parents. Batman (dead), Superman (aliens – dead too, right?), Spiderman (dead), Daredevil (dead), Fantastic Four (dead), Chun Li (dead)… do you see my point?
3. Your parents’ death probably inspired you to become a superhero. Probably because you were enraged and are now seeking revenge, or they instilled in you a responsibility to the community. With great power comes great responsibility and all that jazz.
4. You are well equipped to deal in any social situation. You can blend into any street corner, ballroom, African village, Russian terrorist camp or Intel agency.
5. You have a secret talent, like, oh, I dunno, picking locks, being conversant in Mandarin Chinese and Latin among 6 other languages, talking to dogs, supersonic booms, et al.
6. You never, ever, ever get hit by a bullet. Should this happen, you were probably faking it so the bad guys would think you were dead (the ultimate deception), or it doesn’t really hurt and in the next scene of the movie we don’t see it, or you know an old Chinese man with healing powers, or you’re simply not Jack Bauer.
7. You’re hot. Or ugly in a hot way.

Of course, not all superheroes fit into this mould. In fact, one of my favorites has parents, and is more obsessed with himself than saving anyone. A superhero after my own heart. Freakazoid should really be reintroduced on daytime telly. The crap cartoons that they show now…but that’s another article.



  1. Haha..and of course,every superhero,in the determining battle that may see the world destroyed or saved,will first have to be beaten senseless by the enemy,then somehow muster just enough strength(usually happens after a flashback of dead parents or dead girlfriend's last words)to deliver the final punchin blow and kill the bad guy:)

  2. n kaggz, as they flashback, theaz sm weird mushy music played.
    n abby, christian bale, had a recurring cold. i think the batman suit wasnt very warm so every tym he wore it, the cold came on.

  3. OK so just who would a Kenyan superhero be?

  4. Two thumbs up shynarcissist!! :) yes, I'll refer to you as that every time...

    Totally loathe those flashbacks! Like we need overly-sentimental moments during action scenes...gag!

    Shynarcissist, I beg to differ about batman being cool...realistic yes but he's a tad lame...ask me why [yes, I never do this whole ask-me-why thing but hey]

  5. Brian... batman is the coolest. think about it.. among all those superheroes only he has a mad success rate in crime fighting using only his intellect and martial art skills... he is one of us
    nice one Shy narcissist

  6. Christian Bale thank YOU for RUINING BATMAN. I cant wait for the next installment...maybe Robin will have a tenor.