Monday, January 5, 2015

The Water Conspiracy

Someone has it in for me.

You know how I know?

Because someone doesn't want me to shower.

And if I don't shower, I won't gets ma bitches.


But seriously. Last year (because that's a thing now) every time I had no water, it wasn't because of me not paying my water bill (which you can do on Mpesa, by the way. Just don't do it ati 2 seconds before it is due or you won't shower either.)

It was because of Someone.

I don't know who this someone is, but this hydrophobic mofo keeps SWITCHING OFF MY WATER METER.

Now, it could be a number of someone's.

1. A disgruntled neighbour who hasn't gotten over The Great Fight Of November and feels the need to exact revenge upon my (unscrubbed) soul.

2. The multiple children who play next to my car and proceeded to scratch a picture of - you guessed it - a car, onto my windows. Clearly these destructive (and blatantly unsupervised - honestly. Get a leash. Like my cousin. I was horrified when I saw it first, but it is super handy. They try and be PC about it like noooo! It's not a leash! It's a bag with a little rope! But it is. This wouldn't happen if people beat their children. Beat your children. Beat them so they know that the world is not a joke and they can't throw tantrums in supermarket aisles. Ok, don't beat them. Buy them leashes.) children have NO conscience. They would do something so abominable, no? The INHUMANity.

3. And this is where I think the criminal lies. He has everything - motive, opportunity, mens rea (I know what that means. I was told. I just don't remember. But it sounded appropriate. Or something. I's smart, ya?).


So, you know, when there is no water, you have to call the Water Boy (no, Adam Sandler. No. Stop making movies. No.) (ok, Men Women and Children was really good. Otherwise, to bring you maji.

WHO stands to benefit from no water?
Because he makes the moneys. Because people call him. When they have no water.
Or, the watchman does. They're probably in cahoots and in the afte when no one is really around he goes round closing the little winding metres (I recently discovered that those are outside. WITHIN EASY REACH. THE PERFECT CRIME.). Then he ati OH SO CONVENIENTLY has a number for a Water Boy.

Uh huh.

But I'm onto him now, the unhygienic bugger. If I ever catch him, or them, they may find themselves in a...

...wait for it...

...wait for it...

...watery grave.


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