Hitting people

You shouldn't hit people. It's a general rule. You are supposed to play nice and not stab them when you want to, because, thank God, the law states that assault is a crime and where you can potentially go (in Kenya, anyway) is a lot worse than the place you were in when you were hitting them.

Even when they deserve it.

I can't remember the last time I hit someone. I can, however remember the last time I wanted to.

I can remember the last time someone hit me.

So it's a chill sleepy Friday, and cooking is not feeling like being done, so I decide to head on over to the nearest Pizza Inn and get a pizza pie - because honestly, that's like the only thing they do right - and so I'm driving, and I indicate, and some motherfucker on a bike takes the opportunity to hit the side of my car.

Right after I've been thinking happy thoughts about what I'm going to eat, how nice it will be, how much I love SB, how sad I was when he was on his crutches, and how weird the lady at the tyre place was about whether me and Slevin are brother and sister (??!???), too.

So we stop in the middle of the highway. It was one of those ones with a thin-ass feeder lane which is why the manoeuvering was a smidge complicated. I say a tentative 'Sorry!'- facepalm, I know - and he launches into a driving lesson.

I shouldn't have said sorry, Miss Admitting Liability All Over The Damn Place. It's just that...I mean, he hit my side mirror and it moved, and that looked like it hurt a little. So I was like, woiye. Not, sorry I hit you. Duh.
Also I'm beginning to think there is something about that side of SB that likes to take out bike guys. This is the second one in under a year. The last one left a dent so huge, I still haven't replaced it.
I realize that is unrelated but it wanted to be said.

So anyway, he goes why didn't you indicate? And I'm like...um...I did...kwani you think aaaaall the other cars behind me didn't see? And for once my Kiswahili did not falter (despite my A in KCSE, it has a tendency to just potea when needed. Yes, that is a standard I'm going to use. Yes, me. Yes, it was an A minus. But still an A). How do you not indicate on a highway? I'm not an idiot. I mean, there are times I choose to drive badly, granted. Like when I go way over the speed limit on my way to the airport. Or when it is midnight - because who drives at 50 km/h at midnight unless you desire robbery and sorrow? But this was not one of those times. I'm not a bad driver!
Honest.

It turns into a thiiiiing (well not a thiiiiing. More like a thiiing). He keeps talking about how bikes don't have emergency brakes (like it's my problem) and how we should wait for the cops. At this point I'm getting annoyed like...motherfucker. You're holding up traffic, AND I indicated. IF YOU WANNA START SOMETHING LET'S START SOMETHING! He's all oooooh, sasa mtasema watu wa pikipiki ni wabaya (which, oh look, I am on this blog) and I'm like - nimesema nyinyi ni wabaya? Nimesema hivyo? And he's all, sasa ka ungeniumiza vibaya, and I'm all, nimekuumiza? Kwani unadhani naendesha gari ili nikuumize? and people driving by are all, throwing out unhelpful advice because Kenyans just feel the need to commentate on bloody EVERYTHING (#KOT) and be like, si ni kitu kidogo tu? Si msonge mjadiliane? (they didn't say mjadiliane. I was blocking them out. Because...yeah. And if I songa, how will the cops know HE was the shit endesharer?) Eventually, dude is like sawa lakini umefanya vibaya sana, and I'm like, um, I INDICATED, BYE FELICIA.
*breathe*
*drives into Pizza Inn*
*they don't have mushrooms*
*flips table*

Guys after all that they didn't have the pizza pie I wanted!...but at least they had pizza pies, which is progress, because I've gone to Pizza Inns where they're like, oh, we're out of dough.
But they're selling pizza.
So it's like...ok.
Ati it's a different dough.
O____________________o

So after I get my pie and force a girl I used to go to school with to buy my book out of guilt because I am those authors now who are like 'Omg I haven't seen you in so long! You know I have a book now? No? You don't? Where have you been? Under a rock? Ah, that explains it. It's a good thing you met me today! Here, it's 600 bob kthnxnbye', I get in my car and think of the repercussions of that slight battery SB went through...what if this pikipiki guy has connections in high places? Or places that are further along from where I am, ie the roundabout, ie the coppers...what if one of them is his cousin once removed and he drives down to this guy and is like waaaaah, waiiiil, this chick in a K** just hit me, she's such a bitch, going to Pizza Inn after hitting me, let's take down the bourgeois man - or woman, waah waaaah waaaaaah, and they guy is like, oh my gosh cousin, I will support your cause and be on your side because Mafia-like family attachments, then they high five their super secret handshake though not so secret because they're on the highway so I mean really they should like get a special like nod or something because which secret society even does handshakes anymore, and then they sit there waiting for me to drive by in all my innocent hungry glory and stop me and it COI'AINS for me...

And a cop came out at the roundabout, by the way. Thank God my imagination is just that, because I could have sworn he looked at me funny and not just my insurance sticker.
Oh gosh maybe they're putting me and my tender kneecaps on surveillance!
ARGH.
You know what guys, if this is goodbye...thanks for reading.
Also, buy my book and keep my legacy alive, yes?

tSN

p.s. The chicken and mushroom pizza pie, IMHO, is the only one really worth it, to be honest.

The weatherman

She said:
You're not supposed to break up with people on a sunny day. There's a cardinal law about it, you know. If you must break up with someone, it should be raining, or at least look like it's going to. You know the type of sky – cloudy. Slate-grey, like you can sketch a chalk drawing across it. Ponderous clouds lugging their weight about, lording it over the earth like HA! I win again...

It was brilliantly sunny. A brilliant summery day. It was close to perfect. All we needed was to win the lottery and life could have ended there and then, complete, fulfilled.

We were having a picnic. It was the type of picnic with no indication that something was going to happen during it – you know how everyone says there is supposed – again, that word, supposed – to be, like, a feeling...some sort of intuition that screams at you that SOMETHING is coming. Something was coming. And it may have been something wicked, depending on what side of the coming you were seeing.

No signs, no omens (because, no clouds). He handed me a slice of cheese. I'm those people who eat cheese for fun, you know? The flat, sliced, melts on everything type with the cow drawn on the cover, smiling, as if you're not about to eat something that came from its insides? And maybe the cow won the lottery itself, the lottery of being picked from its cheese? I mean, what is wrong with advertisers? Drain a cow and then make it your poster child for your product. Kill a berry and its entire family, then resurrect it, smiling, on a billboard, larger than life.

I was eating the cheese, and I looked at him, and he smiled, and that was when I knew that it was over.

So I blocked out the sun.

tSN

Doughy delights

Window shopping should be classified under a form of lust. Because that is what it is, no? It's just walking by glass windows, coveting mightily, all the things your salary won't let you afford.

I am bad at cooking flat things. This includes chapatis (whose disastrous encounters you can read here), pancakes, omelettes...I just can't get the hang of the flip. Preparation I have down. Just not the execution to the end.

To make said yummy omelette, I went to Tuskys. The reason the Tuskys at T Mall wins is because it has no costs for parking, as well as a variety of restaurants and a nice club (with fantastic fries. Is there anything better than Psys fries at the rave? Or after it?).

But what really wins is Tuskys bread.
The good Lord above deemed it fit to declare that in the midst of the blackness that is this world, in the quagmire of confusion that is (driving) in Nairobi...across the vast desert of singlehood and mid-20s poverty, a blessing, a shining light, a DANIEL! in the blistering heat, is Tuskys loaf.
Nothing compares to this doughy delight. Always fresh. Like the perfect boyfriend - never lets you down, doesn't talk back, warm and tender, pliant...holds you when you want to be held, stuffs you when you want to be stuffed...hehe.

ANYhue. The point is. The omelette was forgotten. Every loaf at Tuskys is a chunk of heaven. Don't even get me started on their vanilla muffins. O_______O #foodComa
#theTruthIsInTheTuskys
#IhasTuskysBreads
#1breadGoodTuskysBreadBetter
#BettyBoughtButterButBitchForgotTuskysBread

May I one day be worthy to create something so perfect with these two hands, and may I be able to handle the honour.

tSN

Series: Man Seeking Woman

With Jay Baruchel, Eric André, Britt Lower, Vanessa Bayer.

Don't like this series.
It is showing on FFX or something. I don't even...

Anyway. I don't usually like stuff that Jay Baruchel is in (This is the End was one of the worst movies I watched last year. Ugh. The beginning and the end - ha - were good but eeeeeeeverything in the middle was just unnecessary. Rihanna, what kind of horrific career choice was that???) (you too, Kevin Hart) (you too, EVERYONE in that movie) so I should have known that this would be no exception. Based on a book, the series is about a guy who gets dumped by his girlfriend and then can't move on but has to, the usual.

In sickly slapstick fashion, the acting is ok, but the stunts and theatrics go over the top, venturing into the fantastical (there's a troll in the first episode. Trust me, that's not a spoiler.) and inane.

Ok I'm clearly biased, but if you like that kind of stuff (you and Rotten Tomatoes, apparently), go right ahead. I'm bored. Might watch the second one to give it a chance, seeing as I hated Silicon Valley when it started but it improved significantly by the 8th episode. Where IS Silicon Valley, actually?

tSN

Film: The Imitation Game

(there's a GOT S4 spoiler at the end of this, so if you haven't watched it, stop after the first 7)
starring the man wit the biggest voice for the smallest frame, Benedict Cumberbatch and Keira Knightley, who, it would seem, is finally growing up. And putting on weight. All win!

Now, just a quick ode to Mr Benedict. He's so cute in an I'm a child way and then his I'm a white Morgan Freeman voice - to die for! It makes you wonder about your paedophilic tendencies if you think he's cute (no, seriously. The guy looks 12) But Star Trek Into Darkness changed my life and he was simply beautiful in it and I approve of ALL his acting choices (in the hope that he won't pull a last few Denzel movies, man. I did like The Equalizer, though) and interviews on the Graham Norton show (please, please, please look for the one he did where he does the Beyonce walk, and his celebrity impressions, tagged in a previous review post. Such good acting. Such a cool guy. I luuuuuuuuuuu you papi! Ati one of the names for his army is Cumberbitches. pwaahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha *rolls over dead*)

(Another quick ode to Martin Freeman. Loved him in The Hobbit. And thus JUST started watching Sherlock because of him and Bennie)

And Keira! Good job! Hated you in Pirates and now here you are with an Oscar nomination. Such growth. Such weight. So proud.

So The Imitation Game is based on the true story of math genius Professor Alan Turing, who is credited for having come up with the basic layout of modern day computers and all that sciencey stuff. He was hired by the English Government to interpret a code called Enigma that the Germans were using to pass on all their information on who they were bombing etc in the Second World War with a team of cryptographers.

This is their story.
(that line was purely for dramatic effect. Can you tell? hehehe)

...the story of how they cracked the code, Turing's life, how the War ended (though we all know how it ended, but why it ended, and how marvelous his contribution to it was).

This is a good movie. It has an Oscar nod, even, for many things (still shocked at Keira, honestly. ANYhue). Benedict is in prime form. And you know who else is in this? Chap from Downton Abbey whose name I don't know in real life...the guy who was the Scottish (?) last born's hubby. He was good too. AND Tywin Lannister! Who may be destined to play the very same scary character till someone else kills him, haha)

Up next, Man Seeking Woman.

tSN

Book: Do you remember the first time? by Jenny Colgan

I saw this book in the street and I simply could not resist buying it for a highly competitive pricing of 50 shillings. I used to read Jenny Colgan in my childhood, and it was like a blast from a romanticized hormone filled past.

I don't know if Miz Colgan writes anymore, but this is one of her older contributions to the chick lit world. IMHO, everyone needs a little dose of chicklit every so often, but it doesn't mean you have to pick bad chicklit. For those hot and heavy imaginations, old school Amanda Quick or new school Johanna Lindsey will do (because everyone knows the plot after like the 3rd Judith McNaught. Not to knock her or anything - her career has definitely not been for...naught. :D) For light hearted Bridget Jones variety time, Colgan does just fine.

Do you remember the first time? is about Flora Scurrison, who has a life she thought she wanted - a nice boyfriend (well, nice enough), a good though harrowing job, enough money for expensive face creams and dinners - she has it all. More or less. This is how she and her best friend Tashy kind of planned to be living at the ripe old age of 32. Then at Tashy's wedding (which she suspects Tashy didn't want to get into in the first place), she makes a wish and this wish literally changes her entire life, giving her a chance to make decisions to leave her complacency and live the life she's always wanted to...or not. What does she decide? The plot ever thickens.

There's a good dose of humour - just how I like it. A lot of what Colgan says is exactly what I think about a lot of things, and what happens after the wish makes you reflect quite a bit on whether or not you should be making the decisions you make. I mean if you only have one life to live, and you don't know when you're going to die...then why not live the life you want, amirite?

An amusing read that I did not mind going back in time for.

Which was fine, of course. Lots of people did it. In fact, at the moment, it seemed a hundred percent of everyone was doing it. I glanced at Olly. I had a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that he might be thinking it was about time that he, too, just did it. Just little things. Like he took over my bill paying because it would make it more convenient. (It did, too; for an accountant I'm shocking with my money, like all those dipso doctors telling you to cut down on the booze. I always leave it till somebody's threatening to come round and total my kneecaps.) Or, maybe we should get a kitten? (If I wanted a small malevolent creature crawling round my kitchen demanding food I'd have a baby, thank you.)

Film: Whiplash

So clearly this is review month.

Maybe there's nothing going on in my life. Or maybe I just have a lot of time on my hands now that SB doesn't have a tyre and for that reason, I can't seem to feel inspired to leave the house.

Whiplash, the movie I was watching at midnight, is about a guy who goes to a prestigious music school and finds a slightly psychotic teacher who he is dying to be validated by. Drums are his tool, and that chap is his poison.

This movie was pretty good. It's gotten a couple of Oscar nods and awards already, and made quite a lot more than what it cost to make. I mean...it IS a good movie. Great? I don't know. The shooting is interesting - the cinematography reminds me of a cross between Locke and Black Swan. It has a weird yellow kind of thriller movie-hued shooting - or maybe I was watching a camera copy? There are also a lot of artistically fulfilling shots - cuts for intensity's effect, I suppose - between characters and drums, characters and other characters, etc. It's visually satisfying, in a more 'What-shot-did-he-choose' way as opposed to a 'That's-such-a-pretty landscape' way. And the music - my weakness - is good! Jazz! And all that...jazz. :D

The whole movie is very Black Swan-esque - a student who wants it all and wants to be it all and thinks of nothing else all the time, and a teacher whose madness only serves to fuel his own. The student is played by Miles Teller, who is making better and better choices in his career (you know him from the bad guy in Divergent and in The Spectacular Now, which I don't know him from because I haven't seen it, but give me time). He puts on a great and mostly believable performance. I didn't understand the brief depiction of his teenage angst because he hadn't come across as angsty the entire movie, but family does bring out the worst in you, lol, so I guess that's valid.

J. K. Simmons plays the mad teacher well, which was interesting for me (he's the one getting the Oscar nods) because the last two things I saw him in were Men Women and Children (very good, but playing a normal dad character) and Growing Up Fisher, one of my favourite shows from last year, in which he plays a dad character with a twist - the fact that he is blind. Very candy flossy warm fuzzy feelings inside but also very funny. So this was interesting for me. He did it well.

Critics are saying that the movie is dependent on these two stellar performances, and it is worth it because of them. It is. Go see it.

tSN

Series: Empire

Empire is the brand new very shiny series to come out of Black America with a powerful mostly black cast. It's so new there's only one episode out. Lol.

Empire is about a drug dealer turned music mogul, a rich man after his first album helped him break free of poverty. A few problems come up for him, however, because he has three sons and he has to hand over his empire to one of them - and they're not the only ones who want a piece, including but not limited to his ex-wife Cookie who just got out of jail 13 years early (cut short from a 30 year jail sentence) and was the one who gave him the 400k to start off in the first place.

I don't even know where to begin singing its accolades. I love the soundtrack! It has a lot of good music, probably because the guy in charge of the music is Wonder - man - Timbaland (you'll see why this is important a little later on). The music is good in both the background whatevers and the music the characters sing. I thought it was a black Glee with great original music the first time I watched it. (It's not)

I love the actors. Terrence Howard is a wife beater but a great actor (isn't it unfortunate that these celebrities have...um...what are they called...flaws? Boring). I have great faith in Taraji's skills, always have - she was awesome in No Good Deed with Idris Elba, and actually enabled us to look away from him, which is no mean feat. Aaaaaaaand, si Henson and Howard were in Hustle and Flow pamoja? They've got that history down pat. Malik Yoba appears as the most sneer-filled baddie, and does so well (you'll remember him from Cool Runnings, if you're, like, old, and Why Did I Get Married, if you're new).The story might get a little corny - flashy shows always do - but I hope all of the other great factors won't let it descend into something awful.

I said shiny before: I love the shiny - and believable (who buys Single Ladies??) -successful black people-ness, much like what the Cosby Show did in its time. Though this is something 50 Cent tried to do in his (badly written with meh music because he is in charge of the music) show Power, Empire does what 50 does not - they do it right. I mean you know what good music for ANYthing - like distracting you from the fact that Rio 2 was not actually a good movie...

Already there's been some controversy concerning the shows: 50 was saying they stole his idea and his marketing strategy (because those can be patented, of course. Pssssh. Baby.). Taraji replied on Twitter saying 'I care about $, not cents.'

SNAP!

I pick Empire over Power any day, and I actually sat through more than 1 episode of Power, really hoping it would get better. It didn't. Thematically, even, 50 doesn't have a case - the only commonalities the shows share are too basic to be accused of copying, e.g., a mostly black cast, ex-drug dealer turned businessman...and that's about it. So let's see if Empire can maintain this high of good storytelling, acting and music - and making black folk look good - with all the success of Cosby sans molestation accusations, yes?

tSN

Book: The Fault In Our Stars

The copy I had of The Fault In Our Stars had a fault on the cover. I got it from the Archangel who bought it in India, where - get this - they literally photocopied every single page of the original, slapped a new cover onto it and sold it in all its '#1 Ner York Times Bestseller' glory. No seriously, that's what it said on the cover. And she didn't notice. And neither did I. Lol.

The Fault In Our Stars by John Green is a novel about a girl, Hazel, who has cancer, and a boy she meets through a cancer support group that she has to go to. Augustus Waters. You have to say it like that because that is how it is said throughout the entire book.

This girl is supposed to be 16 but she does not sound 16 at all. Which is one thing I was impressed by. Another thing I was impressed by was how exactly John Green manages to capture the exact nuances of a teenage love affair - from a girl's point of view! How did he do this? Is there a teenage girl locked in his head? Or in his house, who he starves to bleed true emotion and description from her? Because he was very, very on it. But if this teenage girl is anything like Hazel, then she must have escaped by now. Because Hazel is smart.

Sure, there are some things that she - and Augustus Waters - are slightly improbably smart about. But I suppose cancer gives and takes some things. Like...you think about stuff differently. So I guess it make sense. And the gallows humour in this is my exact cup of tea.

My favourite bits of the book are when the guy starts describing stuff about the characters and things that actually really matter. Made me think - or rather, reminded me to remember. I think this book is the type that should be read a couple of times in a lifetime, just to remember the important shit.

Aki I hope that I just read the real text and not an Indian aspiring writer person's one. And my niece has already told me that the movie is meh. So. And apparently, his other books aren't actually very good? If I find one, I'll let you know.

Young Adult books my foot. This one is for old ones.

'But that wasn't what I was thinking. I was just trying to notice everything: the light on the ruined Ruins, this little kid who could barely walk discovering a stick at the corner of the playground, my indefatigable mother zigzagging mustard across her turkey sandwich, my dad patting his handheld in his pocket and resisting the urge to check it, a guy throwing a Frisbee that his dog kept running under and catching and returning to him.

...All I know of heaven and all I know of death is in this park: an elegant universe in ceaseless motion, teeming with ruined ruins and screaming children.'

tSN

Film: Locke

starring Tom Hardy, only, preeeetty much
rated R - lots of cussing

So clearly this is going to be a week for oh LOOK. I have something to say and I need to say it immediately. Apparently.

So I just finished watching Locke, which is about a chap, Ivan Locke (Hardy) who gets a phone call at the beginning of the movie that completely changes his life as he knows it. He proceeds to make a few important decisions after that call, which kinda sorta f*s up (in the spirit of the rating, of course) the rest of his life, and he spends the rest of the movie dealing with that.

This was an ok movie. I'm a hopeless romantic so of the movies I've watched today, ha, I liked What If better. But, Tom Hardy carries it off very well, in true I Am Legend fashion - he is the only person in THE WHOLE MOVIE. Be prepared for that. It's a Tom Hardy groupie's wet dream. You know you're a star though when you can carry off an entire movie by yourself, with no supporting cast. I mean, can you imagine him just memorizing a script that he is going to say for an hour and a half? No prompts...no scene breaks (they filmed the whole thing at once, no pauses except to switch the memory card...like...production crews, I guess). He's already won some award for it, which is telling, and the movie has also already made double and a half of what it cost to produce it.

So you won't fall asleep. It is quite a good movie. I don't know about all that nail biting sijui thriller stuff in the poster above, but it is worth a watch. And I've always liked Master Hardy. He is, genuinely, a good actor, in spite of that terrible, terrible blemish on his otherwise sterling career. I'm talking about what they did to Batman (not Warrior which he was one of the only good things about or This Means War. *rolls eyes*). Yup. I'm never going to forget.
He brings out the crazy in his interestingly conflicted and ever-so-slightly mad man well. Bane, is that you?

tSN

p.s. For your viewing pleasure - I can't wait to watch this. I love Benedict Cumberbatch and he is everything I want in a personal I-do-impressive-impressions toy.

Film: What If

starring Daniel Radcliffe and Zoe Kazan...and Adam Driver.
rated PG-13 for like minimum nudity

Ok so What If came out in 2013 but I am just catching up on all the torrents I missed. Plus I saw a clip of it and I wasn't impressed but decided to give it a second chance after seeing it on Buzzfeed because Buzzfeed is always right. (it's not. On that list was also Starred Up which I hated, and I keep talking about it because Buzzfeed being wrong about their Best Movies of 2014 broke my heart. Especially because I forced everyone I was with to watch it with me. So really, my reputation is ruined.

Anyway.)

Wallace (Radcliffe) and Chantry (Kazan) meet at a party thrown by Chantry's cousin Adam (Adam Driver). They immediately connect, but she already has a boyfriend (which she forgets to mention until she is giving him her number. How wonderful). Of course he falls in love with her. What happens next?

I really liked this movie for a few reasons which I will now detail:
All the characters are pretty likeable, even Chantry's boyfriend, which is usually the easiest way to justify a breakup so that the main character can get the girl, and very lazy. Harry Potter - erm, Radcliffe, has been showing that he can act as more than an adolescent, which is great to watch, especially when he keeps the accent. I liked Chantry. She wasn't weak and waiting for a hero (hashtag Ms Penn in The Princess Bride, which they feature, TWELVE FREAKIN STARS FOR THAT. I hear she's better in House of Cards?). Adam Driver, who I hated in Girls, I am now getting more and more into. I really didn't like him in Girls. But now, particularly after This is where I leave you with Jason Bateman and Tina Fey (so funny. So good. Bateman in something other than his usual confused Arresed Development guy role. Nicely done.), he is growing on me. I have a sneaking suspicion he plays an Adam in everything. Is it just me? And I have a sneaking suspicion that he's actually like that in real life (much like Adam Brody. Hey. He'S CALLED ADAM TOO!! IS IT A THING???). I liked his girlfriend whose name I can't remember too.

Important relationshipy questions are asked all through the movie, which is great for me because I am a little obsessed with relationshipy things at the moment. Like, no, SERIOUSLY, if you're offered a promotion in a whole new country, will you go? And should your significant other follow? And what happens? And, of course, the age old question of can guys and gals just be friends. (yes.)

I loved the script. Straightforward bantery Gilmore Girlsy. Which I love. Which That Awkward Moment (with Zac Efron - slurp) tried to do and failed dismally. That awkward moment. Elan Mastai wrote and produced it. It was so funny in so many places and now I secretly want to date a Wallace. Good old fashioned banter but also a few good old fashioned flat out stunts (slipping on banana peel humour). Still funny.

Watch it maybe not on a night when you don't have someone to cuddle with.

tSN

p.s. Adam Driver's name in this is Allan. Close enough, methinks.

Book: The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives

Yay! First book review of 2015!

I enjoyed The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives a lot more than the Secret Lives of Bees, lemme tell you. (I still haven't finished the latter. There's something about books that everyone enjoys that I just can't seem to get. Maybe I'll do the unthinkable and watch the movie.)

Secret Lives is by Lola Shoneyin, who I have never read before and neither have you because this is her first novel. Or maybe you have read her collections of poetry. Either way, I found her first novel very appealing in spite of other reviews I had gotten of it from family members who will remain unnamed.

Baba Segi is rich, and fat, and has 3 wives, and wants to take on a fourth one. Unbeknownst to him, all his wives, even his fourth one, have secrets that will shatter his entire existence as he knows it. The timing towards the big reveal is excellent, and the things that the other wives do to prevent the fourth one from infringing on their territory (and their sex schedule) are both funny and sad. Shoneyin manages to tell the story of all the main characters in the book from various perspectives without it being crowded or biased. I loved this book. So relatable to anyone who is African lol. Some passages struck me in particular because they sounded so like Kenya:

Taju had only ever been late once, about a year before, when he'd arrived with his shirt slung over his left shoulder and nail marks across his forehead. Ejecting a toothpick from between his teeth and pushing it into his Afro, he claimed that he'd beaten his wife senseless for letting their only son suck on a coin. This happened about a week after a male senator slapped a female colleague. The slap had resonated through all the quiet meeting rooms of the senate buildings and into the heart of every man on the street. It seemed to awaken a loosely fettered beast. Of course, the male senator blamed the devil for his actions and the two senators were soon seen embracing on national television. The same could not be said for the man on the street. Men were slapping their womenfolk as if it had become a national sport. At every street corner, disgruntled wives swung suitcases onto their heads, hoping to be persuaded to return home. At the market place, the Igbo fabric merchants tugged women roughly by the sleeve. Peeved taxi drivers prodded the heads of mothers who bargained with them; young girls were assaulted and stripped naked in the streets. Even in the labour wards baby girls were frowned upon by their fathers. Taju too was inspired to throw his best punch.

Sound familiar?

tSN

The Water Conspiracy

Someone has it in for me.

You know how I know?

Because someone doesn't want me to shower.

And if I don't shower, I won't gets ma bitches.

*giggity*

But seriously. Last year (because that's a thing now) every time I had no water, it wasn't because of me not paying my water bill (which you can do on Mpesa, by the way. Just don't do it ati 2 seconds before it is due or you won't shower either.)

It was because of Someone.

I don't know who this someone is, but this hydrophobic mofo keeps SWITCHING OFF MY WATER METER.

Now, it could be a number of someone's.

1. A disgruntled neighbour who hasn't gotten over The Great Fight Of November and feels the need to exact revenge upon my (unscrubbed) soul.

2. The multiple children who play next to my car and proceeded to scratch a picture of - you guessed it - a car, onto my windows. Clearly these destructive (and blatantly unsupervised - honestly. Get a leash. Like my cousin. I was horrified when I saw it first, but it is super handy. They try and be PC about it like noooo! It's not a leash! It's a bag with a little rope! But it is. This wouldn't happen if people beat their children. Beat your children. Beat them so they know that the world is not a joke and they can't throw tantrums in supermarket aisles. Ok, don't beat them. Buy them leashes.) children have NO conscience. They would do something so abominable, no? The INHUMANity.

3. And this is where I think the criminal lies. He has everything - motive, opportunity, mens rea (I know what that means. I was told. I just don't remember. But it sounded appropriate. Or something. I's smart, ya?).

THE WATER BOY.

So, you know, when there is no water, you have to call the Water Boy (no, Adam Sandler. No. Stop making movies. No.) (ok, Men Women and Children was really good. Otherwise,...no.) to bring you maji.

WHO stands to benefit from no water?
HIM.
Because he makes the moneys. Because people call him. When they have no water.
WHICH HE SWITCHES OFF.
Or, the watchman does. They're probably in cahoots and in the afte when no one is really around he goes round closing the little winding metres (I recently discovered that those are outside. WITHIN EASY REACH. THE PERFECT CRIME.). Then he ati OH SO CONVENIENTLY has a number for a Water Boy.

Uh huh.

But I'm onto him now, the unhygienic bugger. If I ever catch him, or them, they may find themselves in a...


...wait for it...


...wait for it...




...watery grave.

tSN

Hello, 2015

The New Year has begun, and already it feels like it is moving too fast. I mean...we're on DAY FOUR already. What is that?

My year has begun in a way that is making me miss my sweet old paycheck. Maybe it is time to be serious and/or take on another job. BECAUSE I need more money. BECAUSE today morning I woke up and I had a FLAT TYRE.

Now, I am those ones who have no idea what to do with such interruptions to a morning. So Otis, Jomo and Slevin were summoned.

We took the tyre to the petrol station where they said that it had too many punctures and I would have to buy a new one. For 15k.

Ain't nobody got 15k in Jan. Ok, *I* don't have 15k in Jan. And it is never a good idea to get only one new tyre. So that bill is about 30k (if one buys Pirelli. I'm sure the cheaper ones aren't ati faaaar. Maybe 20k. Which I still don't have. Lol.) Then the guy says they can put in a (tube?) but they don't have the ones for my size of tyres. So I am thinking of getting used tyres. Costs less. Options are slim. Hence the new job need.

Moral of the story: I have been entering all these sweepstakes so I win something. The Cadburys Cadbury World one. The Nakumatt Win a Car one. The ones on the street in the little yellow kiosks (KE-nya Charity Sweepstakes. KE-nya Charity Sweeeeepstakes). And more recently, Bonyeza Ushinde. Anything I win I can sell for rubbers.

:D

tSN