The Sheep of Art Caffe: Rated PG-17, or, the Art of Sheepery aka General Sheepishness and Artsy Fartsy Tomfoolery

*jumps onto wagon*

*leaps into foray*

*springs into melee*

*bes a sheep*

And all other similar...similes? Metaphors? Descriptive phrases? Homophrases? Sigh. I did KCPE AND KCSE. 8-4-4 don't mean a damn thing.

It's everywhere, is Art Caffe today, poor buggers, so I'm following the herd and blogging about it. Some stupid sod decided that the perfect time to be racist was yesterday morning, which has snowballed into a typical #KOT hate campaign. Their (misspelt, grammatically incorrect, illiterate-sounding empty-looking with a fake picture) Facebook page spelt Art Cafe (really??? Really, dawg?) (yeah, I said dawg) is chock-full of enthusiastically hateful comments.

Thing is, I don't believe the story went down like that. Sure, they're racist. But racist AND just plain stupid?...I dunno. How would it benefit them to NOT sell ALL the croissants? Si white folk only drink coffee and use the wireless ahahaha? Why is Robert Alai SOOOO into that story? *side-eye* What is up with black people being racist to black people? This ain't pre-Emancipation Proclamation times, yo. Ain't no field and house niggas here. Then again, people do pretty stupid things, right? Stupidity should never be underestimated...

I have never, ever had a bad experience at Art Caffe. It's so good I always tip (and y'all know I'm a cheap ass). They are always without exception (for the four I have visited - Galleria, Village Market, Junction and Westgate) fantastic to me and go out of their way to please me (beginning to sound like a porno...skips to the next paragraph)

Thing is, not everyone feels like this (doh). So, I'm tryna call the manager to find out what really went down. What's REALLY good. Will keep y'all posted on that.

In the meantime, go to Java. I'm, honestly, probably going to keep going to both establishments, regardless of the fact that Java is slowly forgetting how to fumigate its cake stands and that Art Caffe is...well, Art Caffe. Until they's racist to me...kinda. I think. I dunno. I'm weak for their mashed taters. Fact is, there are not a lot of places that I like enough to bother to ignore flaws for.

Kenyans, try to find out the entire story...it smells off to me. Or stop going. I mean, if it bothers you. Like Twitter and the unfollow button. Just unfollow. Or open up a restaurant. Or go ratchet on the next waiter who decides it's their time to shine - and record that shit. Because either way, those Israelis don't give a fuck. LUUULZ.

tSN

MOVIE MONDAYS

I liked the Great Gatsby. It's a love story (Gatsby trying to get a dame back with ridiculous goofs and consequences), what's not to like? It was a fun, fantastical kind of flamboyant cinematography that I enjoyed, reminiscent of Oz the Great and Powerful on a muuuuch bigger scale.

Surprisingly, I'm sorry Jay-Z. I wasn't digging the soundtrack. I thought it was jarringly inappropriate; maybe not all of it (like not the rendition of Crazy in Love, because of course B had to be involved) but the whole...I think they should have done it in a Django way, you know? With a lot of Western, then Rick Ross out of the blue when the guns came out.

It's a long-ass movie, so be prepared for that. Also...I watched it at Sarit, and the screen went blank for 20 minutes...um...

It gets a 3 and a half out of 5.

tSN

FOOD FRIDAYS: STEERS IS SHIT

The beginning pretty much summarizes everything I feel about Steers. Their only positive note is that they have pickles in their burgers.

Their service sucks. Their burgers are tiny. The two times I have eaten there in the past month, the fries were raw. They don't have salt; they won't give me water instead of soda (thanks for the high blood pressure, I'll have a side of cholesterol to go with it), the seats are old and battered, the pictures of brightly smiling white people are oh-so-nineties, and what I feel is the worst: the false advertising: THE BURGERS LOOK NOTHING LIKE THE PICTURES.

Never again, punkasses. Never again.

HALLELUJAH!

What everyone wishes for has just happened to me, good people. I GOT PAID MID MONTH! And oooooh, the jooooooy that fills my soul! It was looking grim for a quick minute there, good people, but now Ndiransh can come for his 40 bob, ad we can all be happy, see? (say in Al Capone voice)

Yes, the people who owe me money still owe me money, BUT I GOT PAID! You know that excitement for getting paid when you can darken Java's doors again? And you start turning Art Caffe's menu over in your head? (Because as much as you would like to get other philanthropic souls to pay your bill, you're an independent woman, and independent women don't like to sell their souls for a strawberry daquiri. Although, come to think of it, it's not too bad a trade.)

Although this is going to bode ill for my spending this month, simply because we are so close to end month again. Yes mummy, I'll try not to spend it all in one day. (damnit I have to pay for their internet. THE MORE MONEY WE COME ACROSS THE MORE PROBLEMS WE SEE. Lol. Not that parents are problems...just that...never mind)

I have not done my Iron Man 3 blogpost, but I will soon (stop side-eyeing me, Ndiransh) as soon as I have watched Fright Night, which I downloaded on your recommendation, Njihia. Who loves torrents? I DO. Not that this is an admission. Just a statement that I love them. Not that I use them. Who, me? (yes you couldn't be then who) They're just nice to look at. (I am seeing that old school FBI warning on copyright playing in my head. Y'all remember that? Back when we used to watch movies on a VCR?)

Isn't it dandy that IMAX has insisted on continuing their tomfoolery and increased their movie prices to a k? (as I find out the day I am paid, too) Yup. 1000 bob. Not sure if it is just for Star Trek: into Darkness and Man of Steel, but they seem the type to persist in idiocy. These folks think I can't go back to 3 sock movie at Sarit. Oh, I can and I will. Where do you think I watched Oblivion and The Croods?

*drops mic*

tSN

P.s. ahahahahaha. @photosynth15 on Twitter has just commented to me how we should get Boniface Mwangi to do a protest with folks...halafu we all carry tapes (video cassettes, to you young ones) and wave them valiantly in the air. LOL. Maybe rip out the tape as a symbol of defiance? Pretend it's blood? Too soon? Pahahahahahahahahaahahhahahaha

LOVERS AND FRIENDS

My friend owes me money, and it's breaking my heart.

Several of my friends have been doing that lately; the breaking heart thing. Your momma told you about boys, but did she tell you about friends?

I know, I know. I shouldn't have lent her money in the first place. But...she was my friend (i.e. I was not going to make her sign a contract. I should start that). And I figured I could always start selling her sh* if she defaulted, one microwave at a time.

It's been 2 years.

I don't even know if we are still friends anymore. I mean, sure, we tweet, but that is the extent of our relationship. I thought we were tight, you know? But friends don't do friends like that, do they? It feels like a freakin breakup, except I want to bash her face in. Oh, wait. It feels exactly like a breakup. Lol.

They say money ruins friendships, but it's not even about the money (ha! YES IT IS! B* WHERE'S MY MONEYYYY???). It's a lot to do with betrayal. I even wrote poetry, yo. Bad poetry, but better than the drivel I've been churning out lately. I almost wished she had kissed Wolverine instead. (HAHAHAHAHA NO I DON'T. These things I keep saying. Forgive me, I am driven mad by grief.)

Options:
1. Find a guy who knows a guy to relocate her kneecaps
2. Keep calling her and hope she stops avoiding me
3. Fuhgeddaboutit.
4. ...

What do you guys do when people owe you money and you can't get it back? Kwanza my landlord from 2 years ago has shikiliad with half of my deposit because I gave him a week's notice (because his house was crap and I needed to move asap). Who. DOES that?

Don't say Kenyans. Me I don't.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO??
(when you...are far...away...and I...am blue...what do I do)

tSN

MTV ALL STARS NININI

So, because jobs are fun, I got to go check out MTV ALL STARS AFRICA...ninio. Y'all know what I'm talking about, don't be fronting. It was pretty cool, though. Crowded as all hell, started late...but cool. They are trying to promote the district of Kwa Zulu Natal in SA as a tourist party spot, so they had a bunch of SA artists as well, halafu wanaenda Lagos, halafu SA.

Picture time!

I did not get a pic of Emukule...who was the MC...who remains foxy as ever... *gets carried away* but I did get a few performances...



I love this girl! She's just...cool. And she has had a baby. And she can SPIT. RHYMES. Like legit, not in the I'm-a-girl-and-I-can-rap-teehee Rah Digga way. Ako na malines. And she was wearing Tims and fishnet stockings. I was starstruck vibaya.



The last time I bothered to watch Camp Mulla perform were TPF4 sijui and they really, really, sucked. But with this particular performance, I think they managed to redeem themselves. And they ended with Party Don't Stop, which I still think is my favourite hit...all was well that ended well. :D Still think Karun has no stage presence whatsoever, but she sings like an angel, so it's fine.



P-Unit! To me, a million times better than any other units around. I love these boys. I do. Also, they have a techno jam (sijui house sijui -I am not good at those ninios) that they are going to make me like simply because it is them...I mean, listen to these boys. What's not to like? What's not to love? FRAAASHAAA!!

tSN

p.s. Let me know if the videos play...
p.p.s. Really digging my phone right now.
p.p.p.s. Kanda also performed (is that his name? The guy in the Coke ad?) and he had a white chick for a dance who was, get this, outshining the black one. He! And STL has a new hypeman. Who I don't like. But she can be as bad as she wants to be, right?

Film: Oz, Hansel and Gretel and The Lost Boys

Movie folk are out of things to make movies about. So they are going to oh,look! A fairy tale that has not been made yet/it's been made, but we'll do it better/flip the script! I liked Oz, because I like fairy tales, and I read Wicked (which I did not like, but I read because a flip is always fun). I liked James Franco; he played the part of a conman well, right down to his facial expressions, lack of scruples and weird, sleazy smile. It was pretty. Like Mila Kunis! Yaas! And who cannot like a movie with Zach Braff in it? The twists and lessons were fun too. But those baboons, yo. It gets a 3.



I should have written this immediately after I watched it, and I didn't. There is a key plot element I am missing here, but since this is not that spoiler kinda blog, we can live without it. This movie had Jeremy Renner, so of course I was going to watch it. I was a tad hesitant about the chick, but they made her look sufficiently badass. I think they made this movie just to make it though, like, oh, we want a boy, and a girl, and really gross looking witches, whoop! Legooo! And also proving my point of no movies left to make. (But those witches, yo.) This is a 2 and a half. Also...don't walk into houses made of candy. (whether this is a euphemism or not, I will leave you to decide)

And now, for our old movie of the week:



The Lost Boys.
'Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die.
It's fun to be a vampire.'

With a tagline that is way too long. Kiefer Sutherland ametoka mba? Ametoka mbali. This flick comprises of a bunch of boys who were the child stars of their time, like Kiefer, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman (who was implicated in the Michael Jackson dramas and so I automatically do not like) and Jason Patric (who ran away with one of his co-stars fiancees the day before the wedding. Or something). There is also a fun surprise appearance by Edward Shermann, the grandad in Gilmore Girls. Yup, his past was vampire movies (aki Jack Bauer...) I found the story weak and contrived, it took too long to get started, and don't get ME started on the special effects. To be fair, it is an old movie...and supposedly a classic...I don't see it. I was not sure if it was supposed to be a classic, or a classic comedy. The one saving grace is the kid who acts as Jason Patric's small bro; he was pretty funny, and pretty good. It gets a 2 from me.

That's all, folks!

tSN