Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Sweet, The Sour and Shower Hour: Listerine and I

No pictures today folks; just fade in on a girl who recently discovered that truth is not something anyone wants to know. But everyone knew that, right? How often is it that the thing you want and the thing you get are the same thing; and even more often, how often is it that you still want it after?

Listerine and I started an unassuming relationship. He knew my past, and I knew none of his; how his friend, The Dentist, had ended our torrid and abusive love affair; promises of lollipops and shiny whites would not, could not keep me anymore. With that, I said goodbye to the side dishes as well (Sir Soda and Papa Popcorn) - no one likes a guy who is way too sweet (sickly! Too good to be true. Don't get me started on cotton candy) or one who just can't let go.

I should have found out more. I should have asked him more, talked to my friends - Mirroron D. Wall and Misinque (she has dreams of being a doowop singer - ask me no questions I tell her no lies), but before I knew it he had me vulnerable. Naked. Open. And he had me.

I hated the first taste. I couldn't take it. What was this? What was I getting into? I read his eyes again; no plaque, he said with a smile. No more bad breath. No more? I cried. Did I have it before? Smiling still he said nothing, pouring the poison down my throat. 30 seconds of gargling? Who does that? What masochist follows through without regret and washing out with water immediately after? Thus defeating the purpose, he reassured me. No pain no gain, he purred. Trust me.

And so here I am. Scared of being a weakling, I took the yellow way out and keep coming back for more. I can't help it. Fake it till you make it, you know. Maybe one day, I'll even do forty seconds, who knows. Thing is, I faced the truth, the truth I didn't really want to know but had to find out someday; I'm a coward, and that frightens me more than any old Listerine could. I have to prove myself wrong, right? I can't be all coward...right?

If you can't tell, I'm in the middle of Smash Season 2 after a week long marathon. There was a song after every paragraph.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Film: Gangster Squad, Jack Reacher and Can't Buy Me Love


I think Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone could be the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks of our generation, and it is something that I am, really, excited about, goush. (Although I have heard rumours that she is with Andrew Garfield, who I love too,'s a girl to choose?) Once again (after Crazy Stupid Love, which was oodles funnier than I thought it would be) they team up in this raw old school cop movie, which stars Josh Brolin (I was really waiting to see what he was going to do after Men In Black 3) and Sean Penn (flawless) and a really cute black guy who I have never seen called Andrew Markie (ask me no questions, I tell you no lies). Gangs, shootings, brilliance. A strong 3 and a half. (tip: don't watch it after watching Django - any QT movie, really - or right before you sleep, if you're sleeping alone. It's a smidge gory, a smidge scary.)

I loved it! It watched like an old detective novel, straightforward, no frills, no machines, no fancy schmancy Mission Impossible-y (see what I did there?) effects. (Maybe you do not know what I did here because you do not know Tom Cruise is in it. if you did not look at the poster). Ex Army in classic whodunit story. Gets a 3, but only because the heroine was so useless, and if we don't make a heroine, who will? (DETTOL WILL. DETTOL CAN DO ANYTHING.)

And now to end with a classic not-cop movie: Can't Buy Me Love. Ah, folks, they don't make things like they used to. Not movies, not music, not Mint chocs, not free and fair elections - and not Patrick Dempsey (ie hot movie stars who were child actors and didn't have to go to rehab. Botox, we can take.), who stars in this when her was a young tot (20ish). This is a 1987 teen cult classic, a la Clueless (LOVE) and She's All That (like, but oh my, Freddie Prinze Jr.!) set up when a geek buys a girlfriend in a quest for popularity, and discovers that popularity...come on. Finish the sentence. We all did 8-4-4. We are all chock full of cliches. No? Not all? Ok, fine. ' not all it's cut out to be.' I enjoyed it, but let me tell you, when McDreamy Jr. came on and I was looking at the billing as I watched, and it said Patrick Dempsey, I was like, I know that name, I know it, I know it...and I had to click on the link to his name to remember. Ei, watu wametoka mbali. Also, whatever happened to Amanda Peterson? It gets a 5. Come on. It's a classic.

Buy me can't buy me love...


P.S. R.I.P., Lou Meyers. You made up a great many fond memories of my childhood.